The tales of Genesis.

Happy Valentine's Day.

2012-02-14T12:09:00.002+01:00

In tradition of Valentine's Day, here's my favorite e-cards. They're kind of romantic. Sort of. Somewhere. Under their offensive, inappropriate or kind-of-pathetic exterior.

Personal Update Part I.

2012-02-10T22:36:00.003+01:00

So, I live together with Lemon Man now.
As with most big life changes, it's weird and completely normal at the same time. It's very new, but it comes natural and we seem to be finding our way in living together. For one thing, our schedules are completely incompatible but it works. I go to bed when I'm tired, he comes in after a few hours and we sleep together. In the morning I wake up early, get up, do yoga, shower, write or read, and after a while Lemon Man will come downstairs and we'll have breakfast together. So while we may not keep the same hours, we do get some hours alone and I consider that a good thing. I like being alone, especially in the morning.

Other than that, we spend a lot more time together and that's actually really nice. We spent time apart too, but it's nice to come home to him.

Also, apparently when I'm asleep, I pet his head like I'm a demented kitten; I just paw and hope I hit his head. I still grind my teeth like a maniac, which after listening to this every night for two weeks, Lemon Man lost his shit over one night and he started yelling at me I should cut it the fuck out. I didn't notice - I was asleep.

Evolyfe's February Issue.

2012-02-09T19:18:00.002+01:00

The 8th of the month is a good day. The 9th of every month is also a good day, because I'm all freshed up on my Evolyfe articles. Of course I wrote an article for my favorite half-naked editor-in-chief, James, which you can read here (click!): about yoga and why I love it so much!

My friend Sabine from some-like-it-raw is also featured this issue, with an article on Raw Foods and how it unlocked her potential. I found it a wonderful read, probably one of the best, if not the best article this month. Click here to read it.

The other articles I particularly like were: "What it was vs What I made it mean " and INSPIRED. The last one is a long but very satisfying read.

Also, this may be my very favorite thing of the 8th of the month, the cute mini-biography James Wong cooked up for me.

Currently unknown self help guru. I love it.

It's here:

2012-02-02T13:34:00.001+01:00

Personal, regular updates here will also restart as soon as I am back on-line with an at-home Internet connection, but go check out my new website. See you soon! ♥

My home: fifties household.

2012-01-30T14:23:00.002+01:00

Lemon Man and I are accidentally creating a very fifties household. For me, it just started out as a coping strategy against feeling so useless around the house "I may not know a hammer from MC hammer, but dammit, I can cook." So, he fixes things around the house...I fix dinner.

And so I did, and it's what I kept doing. The kitchen became my little kingdom and habitat - I love it in there. Like, really love it. There is such gorgeous natural light in there from as early as nine in the morning, and being the morning person that I am this draws me in. It smells like coffee and cinnamon in there, and I love our stove: it's super efficient. Also, Lemon Man is going to make me an extra counter for my juicer, blender (and hopefully a dehydrator soon ♥).

I never hated cooking, but I never loved it as much as I do now. Affected by compliments, white wine and under the absolutely spectacular influence of 'Miss Dahl's Delights' I've spent quite some magical hours in my kitchen -- which I suspect won't be my last.

There is a certain creative outlet in cooking that I always overlooked. Before, when I read recipes, I felt a little out of the loop -- why were these people so lyrical, poetic even, about ingredients and how you put them together? But now I understand a little bit better. Some people really love to make food as much as I love to write. They're on that level, and even though I'm not, I really start to appreciate that now and I really enjoy it..

So, sometimes true to recipe, sometimes part recipe, part personal and other times freestyling completely, I make food. French onion soup. Mushroom lasagna. Chicken pea burgers. Potato-pumpkin soup. Cinnamon-burnt apples with lime-caramel for dessert. And that's not even including the kick ass salads, scrambled eggs, fresh lattes and mint teas I've made.

It may be a little fifties but you've got to admit: Lemon Man could have done worse.

A new home.

2012-01-29T18:15:00.004+01:00

As I so 'calmly' mentioned before (click), being in limbo really isn't my thing. Therefore, living between my parents' house, my boyfriend's house and our new house made me feel very all over the place. Figures, because both me, my stuff and my sense of orientation of said self and stuff was all over the place.

But last weekend we spent our first night in our place, and I had a home again. Since then, I have slept in our own bed, showered in my own bathroom and marveled at the atmosphere my house breathes. Our dining room takes the cake in terms of presence, though: chunky dark wooden table, lighter dining room chairs with soft creamy cushions and a beautiful rusty chandelier with vines have made it my favorite place in the house. Especially with lit candles and glasses of wine it is an amazing sight and pleasant place to be in. I read there over breakfast, I prepare for work while Lemon Man is being a Sexy Handyman somewhere around the house, and we eat dinner together at that table every night.

Over this weekend, it became a real house. With a couch, so my living room no longer looks like one of these terrible building television shows). With actual curtains, an herb rack in the kitchen and a cabinet for some of my clothes in the bedroom. We're not finished but the finishing touches are ongoing.

I'm no longer all over the place though. I'm home, in my new home.

A healthy top priority:

2012-01-19T22:34:00.002+01:00

Having yourself as a top priority is a good thing. The art of being able to do that without being selfish is what makes it a tricky thing. Tricky, not impossible.

Neurotic Nerd Alert.

2012-01-18T18:56:00.000+01:00

Oh my God, you guys. If I had a cyber equivalent of running towards you with a demented expression on my face, tackling you and crushing your ribs in an overly tight bear hug, I would. But I don't have that. But, to make up for my absence, I do have...

That. And let's be honest, very few things can compete with...whatever it is that is happening to Beyonce right here. So we're cool right? I missed you guys!

And I miss the Internet. Oh fuck, how I miss the Internet. I miss my Internet&Blog Writing Time. My nerdiness has gone from kind of charming in a neurotic way right into who-are-you-kidding-you-were-always-really-just-neurotic. I bet you really want an inside look, right? Well, here you go. Tour my neurotic nerd-dom all you want.

The apartment:

I've never felt more useless in my entire life. I walk around in our new apartment and everybody is making themselves useful: they know how to work with tools and they have experience with fixing up houses. I don't. People have to give me really direct, specific instructions to do something, and even then it's just on a prayer. And you know fucking what? I have a Master's Degree and an I.Q that triples Kim Kardashian's*. I know stuff. I don't need people to tell me what to do because I can figure it out myself 99% of the time. Well, I'm now at the 1%. I'm the fucking Special Ed kid of Construction. And you know what this Special Ed kid gets to do?

Paint. Dear readers, I am not the type to paint a hundred and seventy billion things. To be honest, I lose interest in painting after ten minutes (or a square feet of surface) but I power through. I want to be a trooper.

And for this to be over as soon as possible. Because this neurotic idiot does not function well without a solid home base, time for yoga, juicing, Internet and writing and a steady to do list of mostly Brain Creative things and very little Practical Shit to do.

And...I have got to be fair...it really is becoming a dream place to live in. It is so beautiful. Perfect white walls, window cills and doors, those gorgeous stained glass windows in broad day light, our beautiful neutral bedroom with soft camel carpet. I've taken control of the kitchen with stacking super foods, making sandwiches and doing dishes.

And everything I'm going through now, the Internet withdrawal, no time for yoga, the complete lack of mental focus, and all this fucking painting, is for an amazing cause: a perfect apartment with this dream of a man who loves me. And who incidentally has enough handiness to make up for the both of us.

I just want to live in this glorious place with my boyfriend. And the Internet. But don't get me started on that because that's going to take five fucking weeks and I am not amused.

*I first typed Paris Hilton, but changed my mind. I actually think Kim Kardashian seems more stupid and I didn't want to brag.

Announcement.

2012-01-13T22:03:00.001+01:00

New website coming soon. Shit just got real.

You're sad?

2012-01-11T18:30:00.000+01:00

But since I personally always fail to convert sadness into instant awesomeness, here's what I do when I get sad: Cry. This may very from slight sobbing to complete hysteria. Express my feelings through writing, singing, texting a friend or calling my boyfriend. Go work-out. Sleep it off.

...You're bored?

2012-01-10T20:35:00.001+01:00

Painfully (Un)Aware.

2012-01-08T18:00:00.000+01:00

It's deceivingly easy to carry on with my life as it is. It's not like I ever forget my mom has cancer (shit like that just doesn't slip your mind), but it's only vaguely present. I wonder if that's normal. I can't spend my days with the capitalized 'MY MOM HAS CANCER' neon-sign signaling in my head if I want to function, but I sometimes worry it's weird that I don't. That I'm not completely aware of it most of the time these days.

Because sometimes I slip into this hyperawareness that it's fucking shit. That someone as amazing and sweet as my mother has to go through all of these ordeals. That kills me. She shouldn't be going through all of this. I don't understand why this struggle has to be hers.

She's so happy for me. She loves our new apartment and whenever she can, she comes and help: fixing up a room, a wall, a cabinet. She says it distracts her from chemo side effects. She enjoys hearing everything we've done for the house this far, she loves it when I am home, and I can just tell she's cherishing every moment she can.

I love that she's able to do that, but at the same time it breaks my heart: I wish she didn't have to. Not like this.

Genesis plays for one team...

2012-01-08T10:21:00.002+01:00

You can imagine my amazement that after I wrote this, about the sexy shirtless Santa-Barbara stationed writers, one of the Sexy Shirtless Writers (Hi, James! ♥) sent me an e-mail to tell me he loved my blog. And if I'd consider to join Evolyfe and be one of their Sexy Writers. His grande selling line was that I was allowed to keep my shirt on. How could I say no?

So for this January's Issue, I am featured with the article below:

"I believe in connections between two people. Me and my boyfriend are so connected that if one of us is off, we’re both off. I have this crazy, wicked thing with my best friend where I can tell if she’s happy or sad, if she’s emotionally open or closed. I can feel it even if she’s across the Atlantic.
Connections can be more easily established with some than others, but by making contact with someone you turn a connection ‘on’. Everything you do to invest in the other person, making them feel safe and loved, will further strengthen the connection. Falling in love is like infusing that connection with an electric power chord. It becomes a more important and meaningful bond; you give it an overdose of intimacy and affection, consequently the connection between you and your partner becomes stronger in less time.
Connecting with another person is one of the most beautiful things in our lives. And whereas a big part of creating, strengthening and deepening this connection is a two-man job, I have found two strategies to make a connection deeper, fix an (underlying) issue in a relationship, or simply to improve the current connection, all on your own."

Want to read more? Click.

Fixing Up An Apartment: 4 Things I Learnt.

2012-01-07T21:20:00.002+01:00

1. If you're doing a job*, you better be in it to fucking win it.

Why? Because it's impossible to explain to someone else exactly where you left off, how you were doing it and what they're going to have to pay attention to, so you might as well finish the job. Also, you can't just quit halfway through: it will look like shit if you do.

*Applies to things like painting, scrubbing, smoothing, but also doing anything work-, study- or sex-related. Finish what you start. On that last remark: "They don't call it a job for nothing." (Click)

2. If you're working on something*, you can make it a meditative exercise.

Painting and things like that can actually work very relaxing. Just focus on what you're doing, concentrate on your breathing as well as the task at hand and you'll find that by being in the present moment, you become more relaxed.

*Any task in life, ever, will improve with 100% focus and a Zen attitude.

3. If you're doing a task*, try to enjoy it.

It makes time pass more quickly and you'll be done before you know it. So suck on sour candy, drink a good cup of coffee while you're working, hum along to the radio and have meaningful conversations with the people nearby.

*Applies to doing odd jobs, but also everything else in life.

4. If you're doing it*, that's always a good thing.

If I'm painting the kitchen window cill, the window cill gets painted. Similarly with the cabinet doors, bedroom window frames, etc. Shit gets done. Even if I don't do it perfectly, we can check items off our to-do list. Also, because since everybody's just happy there is one less thing to do, there is absolutely zero criticism. Score.

*Not sure if this applies to life, but one thing's for sure: people who criticize you are usually just offended by the fact you're actually doing something they never did or dared to do. And if you're doing it, you're opening the way for others to try it too, which is always a good thing. By being courageous, you give others the guts.

Our place.

2012-01-04T21:20:00.001+01:00

I am so in love with our new place. Like, really. Now I know why I, after only one visit, felt like it was mine. Why I wanted to start clearing out some of my stuff, just in case I would have to pack. Why my heart said a wholehearted 'yes' when we were offered this place. I not only want to live with my boyfriend, I want to live with him in this particular place, and nowhere else. Nowhere else would do. Whenever I walk in the door, I know that this really is our place.

I am so happy with the perfect, luxuriously looking bathroom, which needs no fixing up whatsoever. The clean, simply kitchen. The two small rooms next to the master bedroom, perfect for an office, once we settle in. The master bedroom.

The entire place breathes so much character. The beautiful ceilings. The built-in closets and cabinets everywhere. The authentic wood work. I've never cared for character of a house, but that's now I think that's just because I've never felt it before.

Neither was I someone who goes mad for those old-fashioned, stained glass windows, but now they are all over our apartment, I can't get enough of them. I keep walking by them as I go up and down the stairs, as I open the balcony doors, as I enter the living room: pretty pretty pretty.

And although everything is a total mess right now, with tool boxes, paint, dust and trash everywhere, I know, I can feel it. I can see it in my mind's eye: this is my new home.

*Sorry I am not maintaining the daily blog posts, I am crazybusy with work, fixing up the place and spending time with my family. Once I feel a little less hectic and busy, I'll try harder to keep it up!

First thoughts on 2012

2012-01-01T20:12:00.002+01:00

I feel very blessed for starting this year the way I did.

Not just with the spectacular party I was at last night, dancing until my legs gave out at nine in the morning, but knowing that tomorrow, the 2nd of January, Lemon Man and I get the key to our glorious, two-story, three-bedroom apartment within the most beautiful neighborhood, a two-minute walk from our very best friends' place. I'm so happy to start living with him. We're ready.

That I'm a lucky girl with such amazing family and friends, who support me so, so much - sometimes in such unexpected, sweet ways. I feel very lucky also, with the sweet e-mails and messages I've been getting from several readers about how my blogs make their day and how they love reading. You have no idea how much that makes me glow. It makes me feel happy to know you like to read what I write. Purposeful too. I'm glad I have a positive impact on your life, however trivial.

That I'm fortunate enough to find work in what I love to do. I love my occupation even more than I ever imagined, and all the while I'm at liberty to explore my real job - what I was designed for, what I was born to do. All the while all these wonderful opportunities arise for me, these wonderful people who open their hearts and minds to me.

That I feel proactive, determined and goal-oriented. I believe that despite any external influence or circumstance, I create my life. I can't control the weather, the world or even the people around me, but I can still control my own thoughts and actions. Really, if you can do that you can do anything.

And 2012 will surely be hard in some aspects. I have no idea where things are going with my mother, although I refused to believe this was her last New Year's Eve. That just can't be right, it doesn't feel like that. And there might be other hard battles to fight, with things I don't understand, things that hurt me, things I have to come to terms with, but you know what?

I believe there is a lesson in everything and I also believe that I have all the resources, internal and external, to make it through.

And with everything else, I just know it's going to turn out even more extraordinarily wonderful than I could ever expected. It's a powerful thing, you know? To believe something like that. Try it. Believe this for the new year.

"Everything is going to turn out even more extraordinarily wonderful than I could ever expect."

The final message of 2011.

2011-12-31T17:38:00.002+01:00

2011 was amazing. 2012 will be (even more) spectacular. I hope that you can say the same thing, and if not the first, then at least the latter. And that's all I really have to say about that. I'll be spitting shitloads of profanity-filled, smartmouth inspired blogs in 2012 - you have no idea. Have an incredible New Year's Eve and thanks so much for reading - I love you guys.

Kisses.

Shopping Trip 1.

2011-12-30T11:32:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, our first shopping trip for our apartment started out real nice as I gave him direction to Big Chain D.Y.I. Shop #21 which actually turned out to be Big Chain D.I.Y. Shop #2. This is how I felt about that. Show 'em Harry:

I'm sorry, but that's the result of how many fucks I had to give while I lived at home: zero. To be completely honest, I still don't care in the slightest, but now I do know at which exact location I don't give a fuck.

After Lemon Man had finished laughing at me for being, well, myself, as we shopped we found two things were a great relief: One, he and I share a neutral, basic taste in furniture and colors. He doesn't want crazy colors, I don't want frilly shit everywhere. We just want beautiful and simple. Two, we can make decisions without screaming and embarrassing the absolute shit out of each other in public. I'd say that makes for a great living together basis as well as a very decent relationship.

We found a very nice old-looking floor we both liked, we got wicked discounts everywhere we went and we also scored a beautiful dark rug for in the living room. Also, Lemon Man nearly crashed into a door when he was joy-riding his shopping cart, we discovered I'm a total wimp when it comes to carrying shit but I was a trooper and pushed through, and Lemon Man got a cheap disgusting hot dog at Ikea*. So that was good times too.

To make things even better, Lemon Man wanted to go to Big Chain D.I.Y. Shop #3...and he pulled up on the parking lot of Big Chain D.I.Y. Shop #4. How can I not love that guy?

*We didn't buy anything there except a skillet that was only two bucks. Not very productive, but cheap. And at least the man got a hot dog.

Lessons 2011: Be a class act, not a trash cat.

2011-12-29T12:20:00.000+01:00

Do you want to be a Regina George from Mean Girls?

Do you want to be that coke-head from Cruel Intentions?

Do you want to be any of the obnoxious loud-mouthed bitches you see in television shows and movies, who talk smack about other people and who make other people's lives miserable?

You think it would be cool to be a real life Regina George?

Or a Blair Waldorf?

Well, I got news for you.

Even with her amazing outfits, nobody wants to see Blair Waldorf arrive at the party. She will cause a humiliating scene, hurt people, cause a fight and ruin the mood. Everybody would rather have someone like that stay away.

Of course, there are some people love to see a Regina George or Blair Waldorf arrive...Because they are waiting, watching for her to fall. They will relish in the following demise.

But very few people would actually genuinely like you if you were like that. And what's more, when you're 20, 25 or 30 and you look back on your life: how ashamed are you going to be of yourself if you spent so much of your time caniving, gossiping, scheming and plotting?

The real character you should aspire to be is someone you don't see in the movies. Someone who is too boring for tv and theatre, because they don't cause riveting scenes at parties, they do not drunkenly run around and ruin high school proms.

If someone talks smack about you, ignore it. Do not let others or their behavior provoke you into Bitch Mode. Go hang out with people you love, do things that make you happy and if you can, send them love and light whenever you think of them.If things don't go your way, don't throw temper tantrum or devise a manipulative master plan. Get what you want with love, acceptance, patience and hard work towards good will. Don't try so hard to be fascinating and interesting. Instead, be interested in who and what is around you. Be nice, ask questions, listen to people, be genuinely friendly and charming.

You probably won't get television time. But your life time will certainly improve.

Lessons 2011: Ban Negativity.

2011-12-28T14:00:00.000+01:00

For your mind, cultivate a positive attitude toward everyone and everything. This doesn't mean you have to pretend that everythng is fine. It means to look for the good in everything, and if you can't fnd any, figure out a way to put some in - Serge Kahili King.

I am going to state it even more clearly than I have before (click):

Negative thoughts poison your mind. You don't have to deny your negative thoughts (click) but that doesn't mean you should just leave the door open and have a Pity&Pessimism parade in your head. Some effort and training towards positive thinking can go a long, long way: the more you try, the easier it will become. And the easier your life will be. Because a poisoned mind, whether you like it or not, leads to a sick life. I don't know anybody pessimistic and negative with a spectacular life -- and let's be serious: even if it were they'd be the last to recognize it. It's such a waste to let that happen when you could take control and cure yourself.

And allow me to take it further: Negative words poison your mind, your heart and everyone around you. Thing is, with negative words, it's not at all like venting or blowing off steam. That's a complete misconception, to justify your own negative behavior. But you are not a cup that is empty once you exclaim how terrible your job is. It's not that once you pour it out, you're done. You more resemble a fountain. Once you start pouring negative words, even paired with short-lived relief, more and more will come.

And the people around you who are just like you: they won't care. They will listen to the stream, add their own and you can have 'satisfying' social interaction like this. But the others, people who get tired of negativity, people who want to hear good and happy things? They will feel drained after being with you, because you suck away their energy. This will ultimately lead to them moving away from you, both physically and emotionally.

Gossip destroys your attitude. And that's not even mentioning that you only ever successfully ruin your own reputation instead of anybody else's. No good ever comes from saying mean things about another person.

I have the urge to be a total bitch just like anybody else. I've mentioned that before: people annoy the shit out of me sometimes. Sometimes I want to complain and have a pity party, sometimes I want to point out all the fucked up shit around me, sometimes I want to call out a copycat skank or a cheating douche bag.

But I notice that the harder I bite my tongue, not to say mean things, not to complain, not to gossip, the quicker the urge fades. The more energy I put into not saying terrible shit and instead focusing on the positive, the easier it gets. Because you know what?

If I think something bad, once it goes away, it's gone forever. Had I said it, it would have been out there. Probably forever. It would also have made a more lasting impression on myself: I apparently say shit about myself, the world or other people. It would have made an impression on the people around me: Genesis apparently say mean shit. Genesis might be a mean person.

And all of that could have been avoided if I just acknowledged my shitty thought but decided against putting it out there in the world.

I'm no saint. But the statement above "once it goes away, it's gone forever" often keeps me from acting on my lesser thoughts and impulses. It often reminds me to make the effort to go in the opposite direction: positivity.

Big News.

2011-12-27T18:16:00.000+01:00

*Any resemblance of the people in the picture with me and Lemon Man is a coincidence; my ass hasn't been that small since 1999 and I have never seen my boyfriend wearing such ugly shoes.

This morning, Lemon Man and I accepted a truly gorgeous apartment in the neighborhood we both want to live in. As soon as the contracts are signed, we get the key and we can start making a home. What a way to start my new year.

2011 Lessons: It's only broken if you break it.

2011-12-27T15:00:00.000+01:00

I don't believe things ever get irreparably broken. Things can get shitty, awful, terrible. a relationship can be at a turning point, a job position might be made impossible, a family situation might go awry.

But crazy as it seems, that's not when things are broken. (Almost) anything can be fixed with patience and perseverance. As long as you want to fix it, I believe that you can*.That happens the very moment you think "Fuck it, fuck this, fuck you": that's when things are broken.

Because you break it. Because you withdraw. You cease and desist. You throw in the towel, you give up -- you're no longer in it to fix it. And that's when things are really beyond repair. Because you no longer care to repair it.

It's only broken when you decide to break it. Even if that's completely justified and understandable, even when the other person drives you to it, even when the situation has become so extreme or unbearable.

And it's not a threat or an accusation, it's just an observation. Because sometimes, breaking something is the only reasonable and sane thing to do. Sometimes, breaking it is the thing that fixes you eventually. Fuck, sometimes breaking it leads to fixing it all in the end. There is nothing wrong with breaking things. Sometimes in life, you need to break things.

But own it. Own the fact you are the one who makes or breaks anything. Take the responsibility that is already yours (even if you refuse to admit it: sorry bro). Whether it's through action or inaction, it's up to you.

*This does not apply to being dumped or fired. Don't stalk or beg. It's sad and creepy.

The 10,000 hour rule.

2011-12-26T17:42:00.003+01:00

I read an article on Evolyfe (click!) in which the '10,000 Hour Rule' is mentioned. It comes from a book called 'Outliers', which I dig, and it says that if you really want to be the best in the world, you have to put in 10,000 hours of practice. The article talks about the Beatles, who didn't just start out great -- hint: nobody ever does, because that's not how it works. Get with the program. The Beatles devoted all day, every day, to their music. They didn't just happen to be amazing. They became amazing.

I see that with the Bikram Yoga Champions too. The hours they put into their practice every day are astounding to anyone who only does a class here and there. One of the most amazing yogis I have ever seen had spent at least a year training an average of 8 hours a day right before winning the championships. She put in the time, and got to an incredible level.

I see that with writers as well. The ones who continue to write, become better. The ones who continue to write, write and write some more, become truly great. You can see that with all professions, sports and hobbies.

You get better with every hour you study, every mile you run, every yoga posture, every meeting you do, every presentation you give, every problem you solve. All the time you spend putting in the time in things you want to be good at, whether it's relationships, work, creativity, being a genius: you have to put in the time. Work towards the 10,000 hours.

It's a price you pay for greatness: putting in the hours. Considering all you can do and how much fun you can have putting in that time, I'd say it's a bargain.

2011 Lessons: Action Speaks.

2011-12-26T15:18:00.001+01:00

Don't ever be fooled by what people say. It's what they do that you really have to pay attention to.

2011 Lessons: Trust yourself.

2011-12-25T09:20:00.002+01:00

Life is a magical, beautiful journey, but that doesn't mean it doesn't come with sad, confusing and downright devastating experiences. You're not supposed to have a life without stumbling, fucking up, or crashing gracelessly into Failure Ville every now and again. And that's fine, because there is a way you can go through anything without irreparably falling apart:

Trust yourself.

I truly believe I can take all the stuff I may come across in life, however hard and horrible it might be. Even if it includes aforementioned stumbling, fucking up and failing, I know it is part of my experience. It wouldn't be here if I couldn't take it. I was designed for this life, and everything that falls into my hands.

I truly believe you are completely equipped to handle whatever comes your way; if you weren't, it wouldn't cross your path. Even if you don't know how at this moment, it will come to you. As long as you keep that rock solid trust in the fact you are strong enough to handle your own life. That belief, for me, is the difference between sinking and swimming whenever things get hard.

My one&only Christmas post.

2011-12-24T19:49:00.002+01:00

The only Christmas things I have done the past weeks were decorate the mini-christmas tree with Lemon Man, watch the Glee Christmas Episode and had a 3-minute phone call with my mother-in-law about Christmas dinner.

I don't enjoy the whole pre-Christmas phase. I am not particularly entertained by Christmas trees, Christmas music and the ordeal people go through with Christmas shopping.

But Christmas itself, the actual days, I do love. Because it's about family*. Like tonight. I'm with my parents and just spend the entire evening with them.

My mother and I are closer than ever, and I try to cherish every moment I have with her. During Christmas, especially this one, this is even more important. My father and I have grown closer too, silently. We know that eventually, when mom is gone, we're going to have to take care of each other. Same with my brother. Without talking about it, we know that we're going to be there for each other the best way we can when things get tough(er), so we feel more connected than ever before. I feel blessed that I have such a great relationship with them.

And I'm excited for tomorrow, because I get to spend the entire day with my family.

Two years ago, my deaf grandfather had a heart attack on Christmas morning in church. Through a Christmas miracle of him having a doctor, a nurse and an ambulance driver in the church audience during the same sermon, he survived. During this last year, with the cochlear implant and radiation therapy for his prostate cancer, I got to spend more time with him too. Even if he can't easily be part of the conversations, Christmas is one of his favorite days. Both him and my grandmother are so proud of their sons and the family that we've become -- it's so wonderful to see.

And the day after that I am going over to Lemon Man's mother and cook my first Christmas meal, together with his brother's girlfriend. I want to make the effort, take care of them. I intend to be a part of their family for a very long time and it makes me happy days like this give me the chance to get closer to people who are going to play an increasingly important role in my life.

During Christmas, I feel so appreciative of all the people around me, and of the fact that I get to spend the upcoming days with them, in the warmth of our homes, with good food and candles. I can stuff my face with whatever I please, I can play games and I can curl up in an arm chair with a blanket and take a mini food-coma break from being sociable. To me, Christmas is about them, about quality time and the family bond.

And now my message to you, dear reader: I hope you have a truly wonderful love-filled Christmas. I hope you appreciate your parents, your family and your partner (and their family) and that you feel comfortable and happy around them. May you eat yourself into a happy oblivion, may you have a couple of wonderful days. My best and sincerest Merry Christmas to all of you, and I'm sending lots of love and light your way.

Kisses,

Genesis

*And food. Don't forget the food.
**My cousins are adopted from Taiwan, after a long-winded road that needs to be taken if one wants to adopt a child. I truly believe my uncle and aunt were always ment to be (amazing) parents and these amazing kids were always meant to be part of our family. Blessings can come through unexpected channels.

2011 Lessons: Exercise matters.

2011-12-24T13:28:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I don't want to work out for a day. Which isn't unreasonable, because a rest day here and there is good for you. Sometimes I don't work out for a couple of days, or even a week. I have lazy spells in which I lack the discipline, just like everybody else.

But I know that I function best when I exercise six days a week. That's why I know I always come back to it. T me, this makes it okay to take a break here and there: to be more appreciative of my body and my work-outs. Plus, it's comforting to know I automatically will gravitate towards my natural exercise regime.

When I started practicing yoga every day in April, this idea started to take form. It's not that I wasn't feeling good, because I was happy and healthy before, but exercising so much still made me feel so much better. Even though I was already feeling good, it still made a world of difference. Even if you think you can't possibly feel any happier, healthier or right in your own skin, exercise will still make you feel more amazing. I'm sure of it.

It's probably different for everyone, in the sense that some people fare best with a more strenuous or more relaxed routine, but exercising, whatever way and however often, is part of how you create a better life and a better self.

Domain issues.

2011-12-22T15:00:00.000+01:00

So a few days back, I tweeted the dark and ominous tweet:

"2011 Lessons: Let Go. Read it at http://heroriginalsindustries.com! (While you still can..)"

As my domain was supposed to expire today, after which you'd only be able to go here through the actual blogspot url. Which would not have really been an issue for me for now, which is why I actually tried to make sure it would expire. I checked the box and everything, but apparently that wasn't enough. As to prove to me that hosting/domain websites pretty much ignore what you want, especially one with such an incomprehensible, sucky website as mine where you can't find shit, I got an e-mail today telling me they billed me for 40 fucking dollars so my website would be up for another 2 years.

Gee, Thanks. Of course, I can't get out of it now, and on the positve note, it does save me the trouble of informing you you wouldn't be able to reach me through .com anymore because I will be. Even though I didn't want to. Do me a favor and in 18 months, remind me to send the idiots 20 e-mails every week, stating I do not want to automatically renew my domain and if they could please take care of it, since apparently their website doesn't give a shit about what their customers want anyway.

Moral of the story? Oh, I don't even know. Just use your head when you're going to get your own url/hosting.

2011 Lessons: Be selfless.

2011-12-22T11:32:00.001+01:00

I never thought I'd say this about myself, but I discovered a sincere undercurrent of altruism within my personality. I am not a total bitch who doesn't care about others and I've also had my moments of pure selflessness in the past, but really: I usually had mostly my own best interests in mind. My True Mother Teresa moments were a rare occurrence: I liked helping others, but most whenever this would benefit me also.

I think differently about that now. My best interests are pretty well covered anyway, even without me spending every moment running after them. So now I love helping others and more than that: it's doing it that is enough. I don't need approval or confirmation or rewards for it as much as I used to. I do it without thinking about it. Just knowing somebody else has it easier because of me is often now enough to make me happy. Fucking Hallmark & Deepak & Hippie, I know, but it's still true.

And yet, there is something going on. Whenever I help, put others and not myself first, whenever I spend my time serving the well-being of those around me, I reap an abundance of rewards. Not just happy people around me, but also opportunities, resources and influences are suddenly helping me.

So help others. Do it without showing off and without expecting things in return. And believe me, everything and everyone will come through for you in ways you could not even have imagined.

2011 Lessons: Health is instant.

2011-12-21T14:03:00.003+01:00

Healthy eating is not just so you can lose weight. Or to get a butt like it's sculpted by Michelangelo (or a photo-shopper). Healthy food is not just a way to eventually look hot in a dress or a bikini. And getting all your nutrients is not something that just comes in handy against osteoporosis and arthritis when you're old(er).

The benefits of healthy food are instant: a clearer mind, increased focus, higher quality sleep, stronger immune system, better mood, improved sex drive, a lighter heart and just an inexplicable higher sense of consciousness: I feel more aware of everything.

When I eat healthy, the perks are great for the long haul too, but it's the immediate higher quality of life that truly motivates me to do it.

2011 Lessons: Let Go.

2011-12-19T14:59:00.001+01:00

There is no point to cling to anything. Not the people you love, not the things that you own, not even to the ideas you have about yourself, others and the world. I mean, really. You're human and you are flawed, so what the hell do you know anyway? I tell myself this constantly whenever I am thinking or saying something short-sighted or limited. What do I know?

If you constantly claim, you often end up stifling the very things you are so fond of. The very people you adore. Because of your fear of letting go, worrying they won't come back or don't love you enough, you actually limit them and yourself.

I have come to the conclusion that it is a more affectionate gesture to allow people freedom than it is to feel like you need to possess them. It is a sign of deep love when you're able to let people free, it's deeper love than forcefully holding onto them because 'you love them so much'. Love is so much more than holding on to someone. Love is trusting they love you back and will come back to you. Love is letting people in without locking them in. If you open up and let go, there is so much more room for your love. Believe me, I've tried. It will rock your world and bring their house down.

Same with 'my things'. By saying something is 'your thing' you create a very small park in which only you can play. Truth is, the entire world is a park, for everyone to play in. I don't own writing, blogging, yoga; they're very much my thing, but I don't own them. Nobody does. We can all try to be our best at it, but these things will always be universal. And that's pretty great, because it allows us to share. And by doing that, we can kick everything out of the park into amazeballs.

So I try to allow more room, more freedom. Be open and welcoming to the people you love, but allow space and independence, genuine room. It's actually a super attractive quality in people. I mean, we all like hugs that are tight and loving, but that don't crush us, right?

Be like that. Be tight and loving -- but don't crush. Be that hug.*

*Not to be confused with "be that thug". Stay in school, don't do drugs or rob a liquor store.

2011 Lessons: Stop Complaining.

2011-12-18T14:49:00.000+01:00

Whenever you complain, whoever you are, whether I know you or not, I want to slap you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's really the response evoked in me. Especially if you're doing it (a) to yourself b) for the umpteenth time and c) about trival shit. Now, if my own sky rocketed annoyance is any indication of how people would feel about me when I am complaining, that is already enough reason for me to stop. I am not going to bring up everyone's blood pressure and make myself an disliked individual.

Plus, it's really not who I want to be. I want to be positive and cheerful and happy. I want people to smile and be happy when they see me, and not feel depressed when they encounter me. I want 90% of what I say to be good things that brighten somebody's day, lighten someone's mood, make the day a little more beautiful and somebody's heart a little happier. Also, when I say positive things, I attract positive people, things and circumstances. I like to do that. Wouldn't you?

Because if you think

Think again. The things you say not only leave impressions on the people around you, but also on yourself and what you expect to get from yourself and life. By complaining, you're basically shooting yourself in the foot, making sure shit stays the same. In a way, whether you like it or not,you validate the things around you. Don't tarnish your language, or yourself with negative statements. Complaining is a total use of all the beautiful words available in any language. Plus, think about this: who would you invite to your party? Patty Positive or Debbie Downer?

And if you think "bitch, whatever, you don't know my life"?

I can and will pull the 'mother with cancer' card. I am dealing with hospitals, chemo therapy, fear, sadness and the idea that my mother isn't going to get better. And like me, there are millions of people who have a shitty situation in their life, so much worse than yours and still, you have the audacity to constantly bitch about random shit?

We all have our heartbreak. And yes, your shit could even be worse than mine, in which case I extend my deepest hugs and support to you. But whatever is going on in your life, how we handle everything is how we define ourselves.

Keeping negative words out of my mouth has benefited my life so much this year. It's like anything else in life, if you train it, it becomes easier. I intend to keep it up, no matter what. Why bitch when there's always something to be thankful for.

*I occasionally hate on the weather and public transit. I am an utterly imperfect work in progress, but I am always doing my best.

2011 Lessons: Radical Honesty.

2011-12-17T19:21:00.003+01:00

So, this year I learnt to communicate my feelings and thoughts, exactly as I feel them, without judging them or putting a label on them. If there is one thing I have gotten in touch with this year is how important radical honesty for both the relationship with yourself as the relationships with others.

I find that if I am completely honest to myself, admitting shitty things I think and negative emotions that I feel, I've created a lot more space in my head. Plus, all the negative stuff goes away more quickly and it doesn't harass me later on. Simply because I haven't tabooed it. As I wrote in Free to Feel, because I am completely honest about it on the inside, I don't have to act on it on the outside either. Even though I'm no saint, I can let it go so much easier.

Your relationships can be improved with radical honesty too. If you're sensible enough to not confuse being radically honest with being an asshole*, it is really beneficial.

Because of your honesty, it's much more easier to really communicate and align with other people; sincerity is Instagrow for personal relationships. It will be appreciated that you're willing to put yourself out there. If you're honest (and daring!) enough to tell your co-worker how much you look up to her, if you come clean to your friend about how you really feel about him, or if you can tell your lover that something they've done really bothers you, things can only move forward because everyone knows the truth. Being real with people around you is always the best choice. It is attractive and the people in tune with you will only feel more connected because of it.

It can be a blessing in disguise: radical honesty will eradicate anyone who is not compatible with you**. Your honesty will reveal that you are not on the same wave length and that will repel you from each other. That may look like a bad thing, because some people might disappear from your life, but in reality you will both have more time to focus on the things that are really essential to your respective lives. And there is really no shame in that.

*Radical honesty can be done without being hurtful or offensive. I'd repeat this over and over, but I have stuff to do so I hope just once will suffice. If you feel or think a certain way that's fine and it's fine to communicate it thusly to other people, but if you can't do it in a kind or constructive fashion that indicates a lack in social skills.

*This can get ugly no matter how careful and gently you phrase things. Just remember that in cases like this, it's not really your fault - it's just their uncomfortable and adverse reaction to what you are saying that they take as a personal insult instead of your honest opinion. Don't hold it against them or yourself. Let it go.

Me & Some Like It Raw: Lunch date!

2011-12-16T17:17:00.004+01:00

After I stopped by Girlscene (check out my article here!) last Wednesday, me and Sabine from Some Like It Raw had a lunch date.

Now, most of you know Sabine, but for those of you who are still (somewhat) unfamiliar with her, she is a vegan & raw food enthusiast and professional - if you take a look around her website you will find a Nirvana of information on nutrition, vegan food, raw food, and also yoga and other healthy lifestyle subjects. She is my absolute go-to-girl whenever I want to know something about food and she is the main thing that inspired me to start consciously changing my diet. I am very curious about both veganism and a (high) raw food diet, so I did not protest when Sabine wanted to take me to Energieregie, a lunch room/shop that carries raw, vegan, gluten free food for both take-away and sit-down. She had been there before (and wrote about it: click) and wanted to introduce me to it.

Now I absolutely get excited about anything superfood-ish and healthy, but if you can present it to me as haute cuisine, I am more on board than ever before.

Let me present to you, my lunch:

My plate carried: flax seed crackers with raw mayonnaise, salad with spirulina dressing, a little pile of sauerkraut, sprouts with avocado and pumpkin seeds, beet&carrot 'pasta' and the main dish: spaghetti carbonara.

The spaghetti carbonara was made from zuchini and an amazing sauce with all kinds of ingredients I totally forgot about, and it didn't really matter anyway: I enjoyed every bite and marveled over the fact that this was all raw, healthy and also, so pretty and well-balanced in taste.

Now, one thing I notice when I eat a lot of raw food, the sensation of 'being full' is different. You don't really feel as 'full' as you do when you eat cooked food, yet you know exactly when to stop eating. And you want to know what I think is the best part of the raw food diet?

Dessert.

This gorgeous, luxuriously looking chocolate pie is completely raw, chocked up with nutrients and super foods and it tastes amazing. Raw chocolate desserts are the best: they taste wonderful and you can have them all day, every day. I'd sign for that.

Sabine and I chatted with Alec (the owner) before we left and we both bought a little bag of a superfood of our choice. During the rest of my afternoon, I felt satisfied and healthy and I knew I'd want to have salad for dinner, just to hold onto that great energy. For me personally, raw food gives me a higher quality energy which is very nice, especially when you're busy. While my raw food will take a very (very) long time to look this good, I am very excited to kick the raw food percentage of my diet up a little and experiment more with different dishes.

So excuse me, I'm off to dive in the abundance of recipes of Sabine's website and make something delicious. Knowing both myself (and Sabine) it's probably going to contain chocolate. Conclusion: some, in this case me, really do like it raw.

Quote:

2011-12-15T15:00:00.000+01:00

I believe this so much. And I'm going to try hard as hell to make this true about myself.

Fuzzy on the details, but that's okay.

2011-12-15T12:00:00.000+01:00

I would never claim I understand. The Universe, the Universal Laws, energy, faith, serendipities, destinies. Shit's a mystery and I'm a mere puny human, just trying to live her life the best way she can: if I try to go on a quest to fit all that mind blowing knowledge in my head, my mind will quite literally explode all over my shiny white MacBook.

But what I do understand and what I believe is the main thing you really have to know, is that you don't have to fully grasp every single concept to let it work to your advantage. And that if the Universe hands you something, you take it*

My best friend arrived through a long-winded serendipitous road upon my doorstep. So did my boyfriend. So did the job I am now in love with and so did a variety of other beautiful opportunities, people and events. I was just there to take them in, to experience them.

I don't have to understand why an hour after I decide I want to make more of an effort in a healthy life style, my father gives me a salad tosser I can take to work. Or that two days after I think "I think I need more money", three of the mothers I know call me to babysit the coming weeks. I don't fully grasp the concept of feeling my best friend's energy and emotions, and how we can only function properly in sync. Why my day is a string of beautiful events ever time I do something nice for someone else in the morning or send out positive things or vibes into the world, I don't know. The exact science of gratitude, positivity and how energy works is not important to me. I know what I need to know now, and everything else that I'm supposed to learn and know will reveal itself to me.

Even if you're fuzzy on the exact details: Trust it, use it. It's all you need to do.

*And say 'Thank You'. Everyone loves someone with manners.

Kissing: A mindfulness exercise.

2011-12-14T15:00:00.000+01:00

I am not going to say my relationship was in a rut, because seriously - we've been together for a little over a year. Considering how well things are going even when our lives are crammed and rushed, we have plenty of time before breaking out the 'Spice Up Your Relationship' articles from Cosmopolitan.

But we have been so busy the past months, him with the thesis and me with work and writing that sometimes we were a little preoccupied with everything and 'our' things just weren't as important. Believe it or not, kissing was one of those things. Kissing turned into a 'Hi', 'Goodnight' and 'Goodbye' thing, something you do because it's part of your relationship but it wasn't really about the kissing in itself anymore. While kissing, you guys, is awesome. Right?! Isn't kissing awesome? Kissing makes me fucking happy.

So yesterday, I was with Lemon Man and as the proactive person that I am, taking control of my destiny and what not, I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. Boyfriend did not protest*. I did not kiss to say 'hi' or 'good bye', not out of habit, not to get into his pants**, just because he's the guy I love and he's fucking beautiful. Kissing is a perfect way to convey what I feel for him, and vice versa.

And I could feel it. It felt good to kiss. It was just us in that moment. We were really there, together, with the person we love. Kissing is a way of communicating, of showing affection and of establishing and strengthening your bond. So whenever I need to get Lemon Man out of his worries or stress, or whenever I'm somewhere else entirely with my mind, I'm going to be kissing him. And he is just going to have to take it like a man -- but I don't really worry about that.

*that's because I have swag.

**I did get into his pants. Must be the swag.

Yoga Update

2011-12-14T12:00:00.000+01:00

New month, new 30 day unlimited card. I had been thinking of saving up for the apartment but turns out, I was going a little bit crazy after a little over a week of no classes. I started dreaming about it and shit. My back started to hurt again and I just felt really antsy and uncomfortable. It was like my inner thing was starting to get screwed up.

So, sitting on Lemon Man's couch I hesitantly declared: "Babe, I think I am getting a new card tomorrow: I really want to go to yoga." Lemon Man didn't even turn from his work and just said: "I knew that, I was just waiting for you to figure it out." Which is a smart move: I don't believe his predictions about me anyway to me (until I get there myself). The moment the words had left my mouth, I felt very happy. Hint: That's usually an indication of making the right decision.

The main thing is I really go as often as I can. No limits, but no boundaries either. I don't have to do anything. Thing is, while I don't exactly know what 2012 is going to bring, if my lucky stars get their act together (pretty please, Universe ♥ ?) I'm moving in with Lemon Man pretty soon and that will mean not only less time but also less money in January. Moving and building a home takes effort, time and finance. So that might put my practice on hold for a little while.

But that's concern for later, right now I'm just going to classes as often as I can. And I'm not letting my inner dialogue get the best of me: I gently (or roughly) guide my thoughts right back to the moves I have to do at that moment. I can be in that room for those 90 minutes. Everything else can wait for my attention after class.

In other news, I'm very tired after getting up at 05:30 for two nights in a row after only six hours of sleep and I'm still Triangle's Bitch. But I don't let it get to me. It's part of the program apparently, so I am just dealing with it. On we go.

The white flag of not giving a fuck.

2011-12-13T15:00:00.000+01:00

I still can't stand the concept that apparently you can get away with saying whatever on-line. I personally only say shit on-line I would say in real life. If I like your blog, I say "hey, I like your blog." I'll probably add why because, you know, I have my reasons and think you'd like to know. If I don't something I read on the Internet, I either say "I don't feel this way" or -powerful thought- I don't say anything. Gasp.

If there is one thing that pisses me off it's people being offensive or mean to others for no other reason than that they can. Yes, yes, I can hear you screaming "get off the Internet while you still can, save yourself!!" But thing is, I like the Internet. It has great reading material if you know where to look. And cute fluffy animals. And memes! I fucking love memes:

See? Obama agrees.

Before, whenever I saw a dumb bitch or a stupid fuck say something incredibly offensive on the Internet, I actually took the time to type a response. Because I feel people shouldn't be mean and get away with it. I feel people like that should be put in their place.

But you know what? I'm not playing anymore. I'm not going to draw even more attention to those people, I'm not going to get involved in the negative shit they apparently really want to get out in the world. I want to be a positive and constructive force of the Universe and that is -believe it or not- not accomplished by trying to correct these idiots. If they're going to be assholes, that's their ~~business~~ problem and honestly:

So go on. Be an offensive idiot on-line. I am waving the white flag of not giving a single flying fuck.

Evolyfe

2011-12-13T12:00:00.000+01:00

Sometimes, I lose my way on the Internet and start feeling like Alice in Wonderland, with a plethora of smirky Cheshire Cats laughing at me from all different directions. Except that I'm just behind my computer with tea and not really on a trip down a rabbit hole, my point is legit. You can spend a lot time looking around on the web. This is how I found Evolyfe.

"Evolyfe features unconventional ideas on how to EVOLVE in all areas of our lives. Because if we are not evolving then we are stagnating, just wasting away. All of us here at Evolyfe have chosen to live higher quality lives. We’re here to share with you what we’ve learned so far."

They're kind of like an on-line magazine featuring articles on things concerning self-improvement. I see minimalism influences as well as Tim Ferris (the 4-Hour Body & the 4-Hour Work Week) and other stuff that I like (Napoleon Hill, waddup ♥): I have been rummaging in their archive for a little bit and I recommend their website to anyone who wants...more.

My current favorite articles are A Not-To-Do List to keep you from killing your creativity, How To Recover After Getting Fucked up and what I like to call a little Fuck-You & an I-Love-You to the word 'Sorry' in The Word Sorry Can Ruin Your Life.

It's all very nicely written and I'm not going to lie, the thoughts of half-naked men writing glorious articles somewhere in Santa Barbara (in my head they do everything shirtless, please don't kill the dream): Works for me.

Remember to Dream: EP Release Musicboy.

2011-12-12T16:37:00.000+01:00

So. I am very close to this idealistic, creative dreamer who wants to live his life creating kick ass songs and designing the world to become a better place through his music and action. What I see is a person who becomes better every single day, who is learning to work to achieve his goals and make his dreams come true. The smart bastard managed to convey this into his EP pretty well too, called Remember To Dream. Allow me to introduce...one of the people I feel closest to in the world and someone who I love very dearly: Musicboy.

His EP Release Party was pretty wonderful. Through rain and wind I arrived at Het Lokaal, my new favorite coffee place that transforms into an ambient bar at night to hear Demi Matenahoru belt out to a few Michael Jackson songs. After another act, an amazing spoken words-Chick called Izzy (I sneaked past the bartenders so I could actually understand what she was saying), Musicboy himself took the stage and did his thing. He presented the music video you can see below, he gave a stunning performance and expressed his love for music, the people who had come out to be there with him and of course, how he's finally remembering to dream.

I'm very proud of this creative, creating dreamer friend of mine.

Here you can see the music video (featuring yours truly at her most awkward glorious self at 2:25) as well. If you haven't already, like Arts&Grooves on FB and you can listen to his songs. Seriously, 'Bring Back The Real' -- I heart it so much.

Inspiration, not imitation.

2011-12-12T14:38:00.003+01:00

A current phenomenon that has been catching my eye lately (probably has been around for as long as we live, the Romans probably had the same issues) is the fact imitation is replacing inspiration. When I think about imitation and inspiration I think about two kids in the playground. Meet Jim and Peter. They'll be our example of the day.

Imitation

Jim is playing happily with a car toy. Peter sees this. Peter immediately grabs a car toy, sits down right next to Jim and while looking at Jim the entire time, he 'starts playing': If Jim goes to the left with the little Mercedes, Peter goes to the left with his little Ferrari. If Jim makes a U-turn, Peter makes a U-turn. If Jim makes a looping in the air, Peter makes a looping in the air. If Jim is sick of the car toy and throws it away, Peter is sick of the car toy and throws it away too.

Inspiration.

Jim is playing with a car toy. Peter sees this. Peter might even look for a little while longer. Then, Peter starts looking around for a car toy, finds one he likes, sits down somewhere and starts playing. Who knows? He might just make 'vroom vroom' noises and skate around a little on the concrete. Or he might go and follow an 'Extreme Racing Track' (read: the sandbox). If Peter and Jim are buddies he might even challenge Jim to a race. Or maybe Peter is going to scootch towards Jim and they'll act out the Fast&the Furious together -- they might have parents who don't look at the Parental Advise Guidelines, guys. You never know.

See my point? And do you see the difference? It's the same with us. It's fine to see something in somebody else's life style, motto, ways or wardrobe that you like, and make it your own. What's not fine, and what's actually not constructive in any way is just taking on parts of other people in the hope it will make you look cooler or help your life in any way.

Because even when you get the idea from somebody else, it has to be something that comes from you still. Therefore the moment you do something identical to somebody else's, that's just pretending. I can smell the pretense from miles away and so can anybody else.

I actually have role models for a few different areas in life. I have one particular yoga teacher that motivates me whenever I see her practice. Sabine from some-like-it-raw is my inspiration when it comes to healthy food. Gala Darling is my beautiful positive self-love warrior blogger whose posts always make me excited for life and puppies and pretty things. My best friend Lin inspires me to not look like a homeless person with her chic outfits and pretty lipsticks.

But have I ordered everything from BFF's wardrobe? Am I now walking around in blouses and high heeled ankle boots? No. I just did a kick-ass wardrobe update with the help of ASOS and started wearing mascara again. She just makes me realize I don't want to be a slob.

Did I change my blog to pink, dyed my hair and changed my 'bye'-signature to 'Superlove & Leopard Print XO Gala' ? No -- even though that last bit is awesome. All I do is trying to live more positively and go after my dreams, corny as it sounds. She inspires me to make my life an amazing adventure, even if it's nothing like hers.

Have I copied everything from Sabine's diet and lifestyle and do I slavely make every menu option she writes about? No. However, I did take an interest in juicing, raw food and superfoods that I implement in my daily routines every single day. And it's changing my life for the better, my way.

Have I taken it upon myself to start imitating my yoga teacher's killer advanced poses after class? Um, hell to the backbreaker no. But I listen to her intently when she teaches and gives me instructions, and whenever I've seen her I can't wait for my next class.

That these people inspire me does not mean I have to imitate them. That's not inspiration. I take the things that I love about them, look at my life and think about how their ideas and influences can have a positive effect on my life. Then I put some work into it and soon enough it's part of me.

So don't waste your time copying other people. When you're Peter on the playground, just get your little car toy and make it a motherfucker Transformer.

The end.

Musicboy's Redefine Music Video!

2011-12-10T19:54:00.001+01:00

When one of your best friends says "hey, I want you in my video, please?" you do it. Even I do it. And I'm not really a cool person. Not a music video cool person. I mean, I can handle shit most of the time, but the moment I think I have 'swag', I usually fall over. And for a music video, you kind of have to pretend to have swag. So I pretended!

But enough about me (for now), look at the video. I have an enormous respect for Musicboy who has so much swag he just stood in the middle of downtown Rotterdam and fake-perfomed his ass off. Plus, the song is really catchy -- but truth be told: It's not my favorite of his new EP! You should really hear his next tracks: you can find them here if you like his 'Arts&Grooves' page on FB. My favorites are 'Bring Back The Real' and 'Ghetto Ballad'.

Now enough about him, back to me! You can see me dotting in and out of focus every now and again, but my major close-up is at 2:25, where I'm dancing.

Not gonna lie, me putting my lips together like that is actually not me trying to be smooth; that's me being fucking uncomfortable with a camera all up in my grill. The result is actually not as awkward as I thought it would be, I had an amazing time at the shoot (and the release party, will write about that soon) and I am glad I could be a part of this!

They did an amazing job editing everything and turning it into such a beautiful music video. Hope you guys like it, have a wonderful weekend.

Paulo Coelho is my homeboy.

2011-12-08T14:50:00.001+01:00

The closer you get to your dream, the more your Personal Legend becomes your real reason for living. - the Alchemist

All the battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose. -the Fifth Mountain

Body and soul need new challenges. - Manual of the Warrior of Light

When you travel to your objective, be sure to pat attention to the path. The path teaches us the best way to arrive and enriches us while we are traveling along it. - The Pilgrimage

Finding something important in life does not mean that you must give up everything else. - Brida

Remember: never behave arrogantly towards the humble and never behave humbly towards the arrogant. - Chronicle, stories about arrogance

In order to have faith in his own path, the warrior does not need to prove that someone else's path is wrong - Manual of the Warrior of Light

Love means sharing the world with someone else. - The Valkyries

Anyone who loves must know how to lose themselves and find themselves again - By the River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change. - the Devil and Miss Prym

It is what you do in the present that will redeem the past and change the future. - Aleph

Hurt does not excuse you.

2011-12-07T15:00:00.000+01:00

“I hate the phrase “Hurt people hurt people.” I understand it. & it ‘makes sense’ but aren’t we all hurt? Don’t we all have “something”? At what point, do you decide that you’re not going to use the master’s tools? At what point do you say, I’ve been hurt, I refuse to inflict pain. I refuse to send more hurt people out into the universe. At what point do you stop the cycle? People do it. It can be done. It’s not a matter of “Your blues ain’t like mine”. We all could point to something big in our lives & say, “This is why I’m mean.” Or “this is why I made you cry because someone made me cry once.” That’s not ok. Never ok. I can’t excuse bad behaviour anymore. I can’t be ok with being hurt because someone (that wasn’t me) hurt you once. No. Nobody deserves it. You didn’t deserve to be hurt. But I sure as hell don’t deserve to pay for the people that hurt you once upon a time.”(Bassey Ikpi)- Source

It's a popular thing these days. "My ex fucked me up" and "My mother didn't love me." And then go around and do absolutely abysmal shit to other people.

I don't think whatever the fuck happened in your life before excuses you from personal responsibility. What you do to others is on you, not on the people who hurt you. Your degree of fucked-upness-by-others does not excuse you. Just because you were hurt, does not mean you have to hurt other people.

But you know the really great part about this? There actually are tons of people who stop these types of cycles, every single day. People who were hit as children who choose not to hit their children. Boys whose hearts get broken but who still turn into men with respect for women. Women who were put down and kept small when they were growing up who still encourage the other women around them to be amazing and wonderful.

I have an enormous amount of respect and gratitude for those who take the ways in which they've been hurt and turn it into lessons; they know what is the wrong way, so they turn in the right one. It is a sign of true greatness. I tip my hat to you and hope you will inspire others.

.

2011-12-06T15:00:00.000+01:00

I laugh just as hard the thirtieth time as I did the first time. Oh, Herbert.

The Universe frowns upon Lazy Fucks.

2011-12-06T12:00:00.000+01:00

The most common misconception about the Law of Attraction (the concept marketed a few years back as 'The Secret'), is that you don't have to do anything anymore. You can just sit on your ass and say things like "I want abs", "I want to make a thousand dollars" and "I want a boyfriend that looks like Jake Gyllenhaal", do nothing and the next thing you know you and a younger, sexier Jake Gyllenhaal are hitting base two on a pile of money while he's feeling up your rockin' six pack.

Yeah, um, no.

The saying what you want part of the previous equation is absolutely stellar, because figuring out what you want of today, tomorrow, your next job, your relationship and yourself is excellent. The sitting on your ass part however, is the big mistake where it all goes to shits. Because nobody likes a lazy fuck, especially not the Universe. The Law of Attraction, the idea where the Universe conspires to give you what you want, works with you, not for you.

The Universe likes go-getters, action- and goal-oriented people. The Universe is instantly charmed by the people in the world who take a first step, and then a second, maybe a third -- usually the Universe has already helped them along the path by then. The Universe wants you to show it that you mean business, that you're not just throwing random statements out there into the world. The Universe wants playful but determined and serious co-creators.

So whenever I want something, I declare it loudly and boldly but I don't sit down. Sometimes I keep the declaration just to myself, to ponder over a little more and to think of a plan that I can execute. But I'll suddenly notice more opportunities. They either appear or I seem more attuned to them. But whatever reason they're now here, I act on them. Or I think of ways to create the opportunities myself, and then create them. And other times, when I share my wishes with other people, they often immediately come up with great idea or ways to help me. And I take them up on their offers, their advice and their ideas.

Execute. Meet the Universe and the people who want to help you halfway, if not at their place. Always show how much you want something: it's not a crime to be assertive. Just don't be aggressive about it. Go the distance or the extra mile for what you want to have. Write the letters, send the e-mails, ask the right people for help, go to that town you are curious about, check out that new place, set foot in that new gym and be clear.

You want it, and now you're going to get it. You will be surprise how quickly the Law of Attraction suddenly works for you.

Let the constant be change.

2011-12-05T12:00:00.000+01:00

I am sure us humans are meant to change. I believe that our experiences, the people we meet and even seemingly insignificant inner signals and signs have the ability to change us.

Every day, life hands us countless insights and epiphanies, messages wrapped up in events and meetings, that we can take to heart and use to transform into the better versions of ourselves. Wake up calls and nudges in the right direction to make our life a little better, a little more what it should be.

But you have got to let it happen. You have to allow it. Things can only change you if you let them. I've watched people I loved more than anything in the world at that point, blatantly walk away from every sign that was given them. Because it takes a fearless facing yourself sometimes, which is not always easy or pleasant. It takes a certain type of confessing to yourself of things you'd really rather not think about. It takes trust in yourself and the path before your feet. It takes a willingness to walk right out of your comfort zone.

If you put me into a room with the person I was one year ago, two years ago, five years ago, you'd have a group of completely different women. While I have been all of them, in full consciousness. And while they're still a part of who I am, I am a completely different person now. I've learnt from them, but even more from everything around me. And I have not changed because I didn't love the person I was before, but because I started loving myself enough to honor who I want to become by actually letting myself becoming that person. I started to look at the signs, really think about the things life threw at me and took them to constructively improve myself and my life. The pace is not be up to me, because sometimes I plateau and other times I'm roughly thrown into a whole new sped up phase, but the steps I can take are mine when I take them. Allowing the process to unfold is absolutely something that I've done.

And I allow it. I am open. Some days more than others, but I trust my own growth experience. I am willing to be completely uncomfortable with things that I have done in the past, because I know that this discomfort will ensure that I take responsibility for what I did, that I try to set right what I did wrong and take a better approach next time. I am willing to look at myself and be honest about my lesser parts. I am willing to be open, to let things change me, because I know I can only change for the better.

Ohana: The Coffee Dance.

2011-12-04T13:19:00.001+01:00

For as long as I can remember, I see my family on most Sundays. Call it habit, ritual, or even social obligation; I love it (except when I'm hung-over, which is reasonable, right?) We usually go over to my grandparents for coffee.

First, we go to my grandparents who I've written about on most occasion (click, and click). Not because we love them more, just because that's the tradition that had about, oh I don't know, 23+ years to set in.

Now you've got to understand that my grandparents believe that stuffing us with food is a way to let us know that they love us. Which it totally is -- I fully support that notion. But on Sunday Mornings, I don't want to co-operate. The breakfasts I eat are usually so enormous and filling that the thought of apple pie, cake or pastry only an hour after my last bite of breakfast? A little too much.

So I do the Coffee Dance. The Coffee Dance is basically where I make a ridiculous, motherfucking big deal out of me drinking coffee. It distracts my grandparents from me not having pie or cake. The Coffee Dance goes a little something like this:

First, my grandmother comes with a plate of little apple cakes or strudel or whatever, all doe-eyed and expectant. Because she wants us to eat. It's like eating a bit of her love sprinkled on top of a cupcake. I decline with a polite"No, thank you", and before her face even has the chance to fall because she can't spoil me with a sugary treat, I say, loudly and with a lot of emphasis on the word 'coffee':

"...but I AM HAVING a cup of COFFEE."

Now, my grandma first freezes, then goes "oh yes, yes, OF COURSE" and starts fluttering around me while I operate their fancy coffee machine -- that they only have for guests because they're so attached to their ancient one.

See, my grandparents love the fact that I, the first of their grandchildren, is now 'a Grown-Up'. Who drinks coffee. Like a real grown-up. They love it. So I now make a big, overarticulated movement every time I take a sip and they eat it right up. My grandparents are now so proud of their grown-up granddaughter they have totally forgotten I didn't want cake. Excellent.

The only one in on it is my mother. She just looks at me like:

And I'm like:

A BFF from the same stardust.

2011-12-03T20:21:00.001+01:00

I am no longer my own person. I do no longer consist of merely my own flesh and bones. I am not one piece, not one single and independent bundle of energy. I can feel her, all the time. I have her energy with me, within me. She feels like part of my soul.

I have rebelled against it, tried to fight it, shut her out, scrub her from my skin -- while that was like trying to surgically remove one of my DNA strands from my every cell. You can't get rid of something that is a part of you.

I can't explain what it is. To feel this close and connected to someone, all the time. The comforting sense of belonging. Waves of energy, happiness and love I get from just feeling her out there. That it's magic whenever we're together. She opens me up in ways I have never been opened before, just her presence lights my every inner beacon up.

It took me some time to get to the point where I am now. Where the rebelling stopped and acceptance finally got its way with me. I was stubborn. Now I accept it, completely. Because now I know I can handle it. I wasn't sure before, but now I am. In fact, I'm pretty sure I am destined for to take care of her; I would never have been blessed like this, with her, if I wasn't.

Love, Live, Embrace Life: Annemerel

2011-12-02T12:00:00.000+01:00

See that pretty blonde? That's Annemerel. She's my homegirl.

And homegirl and I go way back in terms of The Internetz. She feels like a friend I've known forever. I've followed her since her very first blog and have loved her just as long. Apparently (I have no concrete memory of this) my first comment to her was that I didn't like her new boots. I guess learning how to make a first impression came at another point in my life. But Annemerel took it like a good sport -like she does most things- and did not for the rest of her life think of me as 'The Girl Who Hated My Boots'.

Anyway, ever since we met for the first time in fall 2010, we meet every once in a while and talk, talk, talk. With mint tea, over coffee, while eating sushi, over a simple lunch, it doesn't quite matter what's under our noses in terms of drinks or food, we talk. We listen to each other, I offer helpful advice -- and unhelpful jokes, she thinks along with me and encourages me.

This Tuesday we went out for coffee, then a little strolling through stores and at her place, which is GORGEOUS, I made her a delicious pasta and she made me kick-ass caramel cappuccino. We spent the rest of the night talking, making pictures and I got home so late I lost at least two hours of my usual beauty sleep.

But I woke up at seven the next morning (boyfriend was not pleased): I was wide awake, and inspired. I immediately started writing, e-mailing, plotting and scheming. That's what homegirl's happiness, radiance and encouragement does to me. The final push in the right direction with an OD on Inspiration.

There IS something called 'Trying'.

2011-12-01T12:00:00.001+01:00

Sometimes, when I talk about the various things that I love to do -that, in all honesty are really not alien quantum physics or outer space breathing exercises, people tell me "they could never do [activity X that has a positive effect on their lives]" and "if only I had the [personality trait Y] or [positively rated human quality Z], then I would" and "I just can't do it".

Allow me to guide you through the visual presentation of what then happens in my head.

To be completely honest, a little bit of this:

No offense, but seriously. When has anyone ever given a fuck or been impressed with you when you declare how you can't do something.

What you need to realize is that I'm not anything special. Sure, I can flip my nostrils but you'd be surprised of how many people can actually do that. You know what's the only thing I do that makes people say that shit to me?

I fucking try. I get up the morning and think of reasons why I should and give this&that a shot. I try to eat healthy, I try that new recipe, call that person, send out that e-mail. The only thing I do is at least give improvements to my life a chance. I keep my personality (which honestly could use a little work on areas like my procrastination, foul mouthery and my labradoodly excitableness) and my reasons not to out of the equation and just shrug and make a few attempts here and there to better my life.

Because even if I fuck up sometimes, the more I try to be a better, more positive, healthier eating, enthusiastic version of myself, the more I increase the chances of actually becoming this. By trying to be better, even if you don't meet every of your standards, you still automatically become better.

And I'm going to figure out a device to install that whenever anyone make a dumbass comments about how they can't do something, I just have to press a button and they immediately go like this:

And perhaps with a little electroshock, for extra effect, but that's optional. The point is that if people would start doing that, they themselves and the world would benefit greatly.

That would be all. Carry on.

A typical day in terms of food.

2011-11-30T10:25:00.001+01:00

This is how a regular day of mine usually looks in terms of food. This may vary a little bit when it comes to things I'm in the mood for and what's available to me in terms of ingredients, time and opportunity. But if there's one thing you learn is how to be creative, flexible and I definitely appreciate time management a lot more than I used to. Also, don't freak out: I eat a lot.

Start of the day: Green Juice/Green Monster.
Oh, juicer: If I could send you a 'thank you' note or buy you a cupcake, I would do it. Almost every day, around six or seven in the morning, I get out my vegetables, a cutting board and my beloved juicer and go to town. I usually make a liter, drink 0,5 of it straight away and put the rest in a sealed bottle in the fridge to either take with me during the day or sip on later that morning.

(When I'm at boyfriend's apartment, I make a green monster with the super awesome blender he got me.)

Second Start of the Day: Drug Superfood Pudding
Two bananas, 1/2 cup of chia seeds, two spoons of raw cacao, a dash of carob, half a tea spoon of flax seeds, one spoon of maca powder, raw cacao nibs and cranberries: Blend and you have my morning delight. Sustains me for a really long time and helps my mood. Raw cacao, when dosed moderately, is a mood-enhancing stimulant without negative side effects -- for me at least.

Half way there: Whatever you want.
It's now around 11:00-11:30 PM and I'm not yet in the mood for lunch, but do need a little more food in my system to hold me over until lunch. I have found absolutely no logical pattern of what I eat here, so bear with me. These are only some of the options. I sometimes have a sliced avocado with pepper and salt sprinkled on top of it. Sometimes just a cup of cofffee, either with or without a cookie. Other times I go for a handful of almonds. Sometimes a tomato salad. Or oats! Or quinoa! Or a little bowl of yogurt with cranberries and cereal. A couple of carrots. A cube of cheese. Sometimes another green juice. Really, it depends on what I'm in the mood for and what I crave: I follow absolutely no rules. Rebelling; fuck yeah!

Lunch.
Usually a bowl of veggies sprinkled with hemp and sesame seeds and drizzled with olive oil: super nutritious and yummy, other times sandwiches with cheese or tuna salad with a buckload of veggies on top.

Four o'clock-ish.
When I don't know what I want and I'm at home, I eat raw vegetables, a banana or another piece of fruit. Same rules apply as 11:00-11:30. Whenever I'm somewhere else, this is usually the time I make a good latte happen. And I don't say no to a sugary treat here either.

Dinner.
When I'm cooking, it's either a whole-wheat veggie-loaded pasta dish or lasagna with the occasional salad (sick of the word 'salad' yet?) and when other members of my family cook I just eat whatever's on my plate: usually the standard of veggie burger, cookied veggies and potatoes. I don't eat dessert at home, but when I'm with Lemon Man I do. Mostly because he buys me chocolate pudding and I make it a sport to get a chocolate smudge on his nose when spoon feeding him.

After Dinner.
It's not very often I eat after dinner. Unless I go to the movies, hang out with a friend or go out for drinks and dancing, I usually go to sleep before 11 (okay fine...10). I don't really get the chance to go hungry again because I'm already snoozing.

I am always very excited about my next breakfast though.

Changes & Effects: Health.

2011-11-28T20:19:00.001+01:00

♥ The absolute and utterly most important thing that has changed is that I am a 100% conscious of my food intake. It is my responsibility to eat healthy and take care of myself so I know what I'm eating, all the time. Nobody else is going to figure out my ideal lifestyle for me: I am the one who has to make the effort, experiment and figure out what creates my optimum health. One thing I'm definitely sure of is that my optimum health allows me dessert, so yay.

♥ With the plethora of healthy, delicious superfoods, I don't think I am ever going back to mindlessly wolfing down whatever is available in the pantry. I really enjoy throwing healthy meals and snacks together that are fresh and nutrient-dense.

♥ I think I'm cheating on my vegetarianism a little; yours truly is getting a serious flirt on with veganism and raw food. When I can substitute animal products, I do and up until now neither I or my table guests have had reason to complain. I find the vegan and raw kitchen to be super versatile and yummy, actually. I have started the -seemingly boring- habit of making at least one salad bowl of raw vegetables every day and I really enjoy that. It's actually what I eat as a snack to hold me over until my next meal most days.

♥ I invest in weird superfoods that all the health nuts eat. Spirulina, maca powder, hemp seeds, chia seeds, carob, raw cacao, all the big ones. I could do an entire post on why I'm attached to these superfoods but in short: Spirulina is a kick ass cleansing, maca powder kicks my blood flow and libido into high gear, hemp seeds contain a buckload of nutrients, chia seeds are amazingly hydrating and raw cacao is just something that makes me superhappy. Next up is frozen wheat grass powder (since my own wheat grass farm wasn't that big of a success just yet) and goij berries.

♥ What's also interesting is that I have brought down my coffee intake to one cup a day. I only drink coffee when my host has a good coffee machine or when I'm at a good coffee place. If I'm going to drink coffee it's only going to be the good stuff. It's enough to satisfy my taste buds and I don't notice any negative effects when I keep it at one cup a day. Regardless, I intend to bring it down to a cup a day only 3-4 times a week. Slowly but steadily, without depriving myself. I'm allowed a few vices, right?

♥ I am getting a lot more creative with my juicer as well. Before, when it came to juicing I just usually went green: spinach, cucumber, brocolli stem and a green apple. Nowadays I also drink straight up carrot- and tomato-juice, adding red cabbage or beets from time to time too, and I've started making juices without any fruit except for lemon- or lime juice.

♥ Effects:

I swear to God my hair is growing faster. My hair dresser keeps getting confused on when she cut my hair for the last time. My skin and nails are improving slowly and my skin is very sensitive to hormone balances as well as what I eat, so that varies a lot (translation: the moment my period is due everything goes to shit).

The main (and my favorite) effect is still the energy: at a healthy diet with lots of juices, raw vegetables and superfoods I feel so incredibly lucid and clear. I have great focus and I don't have any 'crashes' during the day.

And that's the main reason I'm doing what I'm doing: It improves the quality of my days, beyond anything else I've ever done. It helps me in everything I do. Any effort I make is better, I come up with better ideas, I'm more cheerful, I'm more flexible and resilient when things don't go my way. I know this sounds like I'm trying to sell you on it, but I can't put it any other way:

I really feel like a better version of myself.

All because I just started to eat a couple of more salads. What the fuck. After all the money I spent on self help books, who would have thought that would do the trick.

Healthy eating: Funny things & Failed Experiments

2011-11-28T07:55:00.001+01:00

You can read my last post about health right over here; it's been two months since I wrote about it and I've been going relatively steady ever since. Of course my determination and effort waver (I am human, suffer from PMS, a rare hang-over and the more regular brownie cravings), but there is a definite upward trend, still. In simpler terms: the healthier I eat, the better I feel, and the more I want to eat healthy. And over these two months with experimenting, creating new habits and making a mess in the kitchen, here are some of the failed experiments as well as the funny good things I've noticed.

Failed (face palm worthy) experiments

Wheatgrass
For new readers, I intended to grow my own wheatgrass so I could make wheatgrass shots. Now, the thing you gotta know about wheatgrass is that it's really tough grass and you can't put it in your centrifugal juicer without killing both the grass and your juicer. So there are a bunch of tutorials on how to juice with your blender (click) so I'd figured I'd give that a shot.

As it turns out, yours truly can grow a mean batch of wheat grass, all green and pretty and just right, but without a slow juicer that really has no point. My blender turned the wheatgrass into a watery, nauseating lemonade that not even my stomach could handle. So for now, no wheatgrass for me. I'm just saving up for a slow juicer.

Beans
Because I'm a vegetarian, people keep harassing me to eat beans; protein and what not. I know I should but I'm like a child with beans. I find them yucky. I have always hated beans -- I don't like their texture. But I'm all for trying and trying again, so since I didn't have them in such a long time, I figured I should give it a shot.

I had one bean. I still hate beans.

Flaxseeds.
I really rather not go into this right now. Let's just say you should be careful with the difference between tea and table spoons when it comes to flax seeds.

Funny things

When I really want something I don't care what people think.
At work, I walk around with the two dorkiest bottles ever, usually filled with either green or swamp colored liquids. Plus I carry a hideous (but huge!) salad cup around. It wouldn't surprise me if students think I am a little nuts. But I rather have healthy food and drinks with me at all times than be a subject to those delicious looking but stale sandwiches in the cafeteria.

At home, whatever I make in the kitchen is the subject of ridicule and my brother has his nose permanently wrinkled when I'm sitting next to him with a healthy (but weird looking) concoction. My boyfriend is confused on a daily basis on whatever the hell I am eating now and teases me about it too. But to me it doesn't really matter. I know why I'm doing it and it makes me feel good to do it, so I can handle a little teasing, judgement and ridicule. Small price to pay, really.

People will accept your new behavior once they can tell you're serious
I have endured a variety of jokes from family and friends. When I intend to start eating their petunias. If I have developed seven stomachs due to all the green I'm consuming. And my personal favorite: am I going to juice a coconut? Or perhaps a boulder? Plus, my family had to get used to the fact I hog the kitchen a lot now. Which sometimes annoys them. A juicer makes a lot of noise in the morning.

But once people realize that a) you're really serious about this effort and b) they can tell that it's good for you, they stop (playfully) harassing you. And sure, they still make a joke in passing from time to time and my dad mumbles something about sleeping in when I'm juicing at six in the morning, but they can tell that I'm more energetic, happy and healthy. Mostly, the jokes wane down and acceptance sets in.

What you do, rubs off on people.
Lemon Man is my prime example here. I never go into long debates on why I'm eating this or doing that, I just eat what I want to eat and I let him eat what he wants to eat. But whenever I make stuff for myself, I do always give him a glass, a bowl or a plateful too. I like to share my food with him. I'm like a monkey when I'm in love.

So he gets a salad with sprouts, raw cacao pudding, a glass of green juice, a Green Monster smoothie. And while he wouldn't so quickly make that stuff for himself, he usually likes it enough to eat or drink the whole thing (and sometimes even asks for a second helping!)

And now, without me ever talking to him about it, whenever there is spinach in the fridge, Lemon Man makes his own Green Monsters. Whenever I'm over for dinner, he makes a gorgeous green leafed salad. And since I've started cooking with coconut oil instead of the extra vierge olive oil and brought a jar of coconut oil with me to his place, he cooks with coconut oil too.

I've always been of the opinion there is no point in telling people what to do. If they don't see the value the way you do, they'll ignore you. Trust me, it is so much more effective to just do your thing and let others follow example in their own pace and in their own time, without you harassing them about it.

That's it for now. Me and my bird nest's hair are going to take a shower and then I'm off to the university for a work meeting and the more important meeting of me and my co-worker placing an enormous iHerb order. I'll do another post on changes in my lifestyle tomorrow. ♥

Bella Swanning a break-up: This too shall pass.

2011-11-27T09:22:00.001+01:00

For the sake of this post, that is about my ex-boyfriend, I will not make any mean jokes about him, our relationship or the aftermath of it. As this story unfolds, you will learn that me and said ex-boyfriend are actually on okay-terms. So, if you see an opening for a joke that I'm not using, it's not because I have lost my pun-radar. It's just because I am trying to be respectful, which is kind of new for me, but hey, I am turning into a boring no-drama grown-up and I quite like it. It does make for a slightly more boring read for you guys, but I promise to be snarky again about something else sometime, okay?

Before Lemon Man, I was dating a guy who I thought was going to be my 'Happily Ever After'. Which, to be fair, was quite naive of me -- before me, this guy had left a trail of Unhappily Afters. But, yes, of course, I could have been the exception*, but newsflash: just like you're probably not, neither was I.

I hate to sound this dramatic and neither do I like to admit I have read and loved Twilight, but I pulled a little bit of a Bella Swan (New Moon) after he broke up with me. The only thing missing was fetal position rocking, but I did everything else on the list. No eating, no sleeping. Lost a ton of weight, had horrible nightmares, felt upset and angry all the time. I couldn't stand any music but techno for the first few weeks, everything made me cry. I cried so much I thought I had turned from human being into salt water vessel. I made a few desperate attempts to understand and although I technically knew I didn't want anyone back who didn't want me enough to stay with me, I did want him back. And most importantly, I really thought that if it wasn't him, it wouldn't be anybody.

Now that I've made you sufficiently awkward about what a drama queen I am was, here's the punch line: No matter what you go through, how hard it gets and how endless it seems, nothing you go through is the definite end of your life.

You can take that idea a step further because however painful it is, it is an enormous opportunity to learn about love, relationships and yourself. Behind every heartbreak, however torturous, you can find very important lessons about what you want from life, relationship, your partner and yourself.

And finally, if you let me, I'd actually like to take that an even bigger step further and tell you that in most cases, it's just a way of the Universe/God/Pasta Monster to quite violently shake you up and push you towards bigger and better thing because you were too humanly stubborn to ever move an inch towards it yourself. We get too attached to things we're used to, even if they're not good for us.

After dating Lemon Man for almost six months, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on the street. I had not seen him for a very long time and we had not ended things very well. Yet I was happy to see him. We went out for a drink and whereas we basically just talked about nothing in particular, eventually I told him in simpler, kinder terms what I had always been wanting to say to him.

And whereas I will always have some private reservations about his actions, it's none of my business. I make an effort not to be provoked into statements about it. Because it's actually because of him I have become more responsible, kind and loving. I am thankful to him for that opportunity of growth.

Plus, I do actually still like the guy: when we bump into each other, we exchange greetings and small talk, and that's all there is to it. I once made a joke that I care for him and want him to be happy for about 90% and that there is another 10% of me that will always want to smack him in the head a little bit. But you know what? That's okay. I'm allowed that as long as I don't let it get the best of me. There's no bad blood.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how Bella Swan-ish you are now over the break-up, how dysfunctional and in despair and no matter how much crying and fetal position rocking is involved, I hereby promise that one day you'll look back and be thankful for the experience. What it taught you. Where it led you. Even though it then hurt like hell, it was a valuable thing to go through.

Have faith in that while you're hurting, it might help a little. No break up is the end of your life; it can actually be the beginning of your better life.

*99% of the time you're not the exception. No matter who tells you that you're going to be the exception, whether it's the guy himself, his friends or yours, be weary. It's called an exception for a reason: it's exceptional to be one.

Het Lokaal: Review & Approval.

2011-11-23T13:08:00.001+01:00

source: FB

A little backstory, so bear with me. Musicboy and His Woman took me to this gorgeous laid-back little coffee place of which he knows the owners and of which I planned on writing a review.

And of course, I had ulterior motives. See, my problem is that I seem to write my best work anywhere but home and a big item on my Universe Wish List has been a coffee place where I can sit and write. The requirements were pretty simple: I can write in peace, people don't stink-eye me away for occupying a table and the coffee is good. I think I have found all that, plus a little extra.

Musicboy introduced me to Luis, the guy in charge (you can read how that was a Hallmark Moment story for me here). I could tell he poured his soul in the place. He wasn't showing off, though; he was just very happy to take care of his customers. You could tell the people who work there feel at home in both the place as the food options. I love it when people know what they're serving.

While we sat there, drinking coffee and lunching, acquaintances and customers popped in and out, which gave it an even more homely feel. The fact that we got American Pancakes on the house and that every now and again someone would come over for a chat only added to that sensation of feeling welcome. And this is not something all coffee places are able to convey so that was impressive.

I had the chocolate milk Musicboy and his girlfriend had been raving about and they were right, it was simply divine. Superwarm and thicke, perfect for winter. The added cocos made me think of Liquid Bounties. For lunch I had the zucchini soup, which was my favorite thing about the whole brunch. Perfect flavor.

To sum up aforementioned needs for me to love a coffee place: I could see myself writing there. I felt welcome enough to spend a few hours with lattes behind my laptop without feeling like I'm imposing. The people who work there love their place and treat both their products and their customers with care. And very importantly, their coffee is good, they have great lunch options and I want to drown in their chocolate milk.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I like to call an awesome find. And who would I be not to share. I found a new write hang-out, plus a lunch room to bring friends and I'd love for you all to check it out sometime: Het Lokaal. Like them on FB and go over there to see for yourself why I love the place so much! ♥

Location:

Nieuwe Binnenweg 230A

3020 GC Rotterdam

Stepping out: the sad latte.

2011-11-19T17:15:00.001+01:00

This afternoon, me and Lemon Man went to this little chocolaterier a block away. We were in the mood for coffee and whereas my new favorite place is about 30 minutes away from his place (review soon) we went for the quick fix nearby. Not going to lie, those perfect little chocolates that accompany your coffee were a pretty strong selling point for me personally, but as stated many times, I love a good latte.

So, we sat down and ordered a latte, an espresso and two gorgeous little chocolates. It was all very exciting. You can imagine my disappointment when I took a sip of lukewarm...something. Lemon Man's espresso was fine and piping hot, but my latte was a sad excuse for coffee.

So I sat there, with my perfect little chocolate and my sad latte. And I just thought: No.

See, normally, quite like 90% of all girls, I keep my mouth shut with stuff like this. Because I don't want to be a nuisance, because I don't want to draw attention to myself, because I don't want to be offensive. Well, you know what's offensive? A cold latte. And I'm not going to sit there and drink fucking cold coffee with my amazing chocolate, thank you very much.

So I got up from our table, took my sad latte and walked to the counter and got our waitress' attention. Feeling a little awkward, I said: "Excuse me, I really don't enjoy doing this, but this latte is cold and I'd very much prefer a hot one. Could I please have one?"

And rightfully, the waitress apologized profusely, getting right on it. I smiled, walked back and two minutes later, I had hot coffee with good chocolate. The side dish of My Personal Power was complimentary, and all me.

Stepping out: the Introduction.

2011-11-16T17:22:00.001+01:00

This morning I had a profound out-of-my-comfortzone moment when Musicboy introduced me to someone as a writer. In real life. To a real person.

See, it's one thing for me to say to you guys on the Internet 'Hey! I'm a writer! And here's my stuff!' I have been doing that for a really long time, so I'm comfortable with that. But in real life, I don't walk around flaunting my self-proclaimed writer status. After all, I have no books. No articles. The chances of me meeting a stranger who goes "hey, are you that Genesis who writes on a relatively quiet blog called Tales of Genesis?"are pretty much 0,001%. So I don't usually introduce myself as 'Writer'.

But when MusicBoy said that? To an actual other human being who replied with friendliness and enthusiasm? That, dear readers, did something. As I worked through my initial embarassment and nerves and gave him my website and a little background story, I realized how right that felt. To claim what I am. And not just on the Internet, but in real life also.

It scares me. But I feel it's a next step. To introduce myself with that statement. To be loud and clear about what I do, what I want to do and where I intend to go with it.

I'm a writer, and I'm going public.

Stepping out: Continued.

2011-11-15T19:25:00.001+01:00

And so, this weekend Lemon Man had a birthday party of someone I did not know with a whole other bunch of people I did not know either. I usually let these things pass me by and let him get drunk on his own with his friends, but you know what? Lemon Man is funny when he's drunk. And I hadn't been out in a while, which to me is fine, but I have clothes that start to complain if I don't take them out every once in a while.

So I said 'yes!'

I dressed up and when I arrived at the party, I immediately felt very welcome and comfortable. I talked to everybody there, had a bunch of moijitos and had a really great time at the party and in the bars we later went out to. People bought my drinks, I danced around and flirted scandalously with Lemon Man, who received loads of compliments about his girlfriend. Apparently she's awesome.

It was a really fun night. I'm really starting to like things just out of my comfort zone, plus this was great for my social skills, ego and my relationship with Lemon Man*. My liver, not so much, but hey, you can't win everything.

*Not only did I receive raving reviews, apparently it's a big deal to be able to take out your girlfriend to a party of your friends and not have her attached to you like a barnacle the entire night. Take notes. If you can carry out a conversation and the people around you aren't morons, there's no need to cling to your partner at a social gathering.

Stepping out.

2011-11-14T18:46:00.001+01:00

Last week, on a plain and cold Sunday afternoon, I took to a cosy and colorful cocktail bar, put on my best Video Girl Face* and danced in a music video for my dear friend Musicboy.

Erwin Musicboy Lima appeared on The Voice and performed brilliantly against Gino 'The Lion King' Emnes. You can see his response video here -- before or after I make the actual point of this blog. I will not feel offended if you prioritize him over me, he's been on TV and everything!

Anyways, I was not at all excited beforehand. I thought I'd feel awkward the entire time and I kind of mostly went because Musicboy is a superdear friend and you know, he said 'please'. Manners matter, people. But I kind of went with a 'let's get this over with' feeling.

But when I got there, I had so much fun. I got to dance to a very catchy song, blow bubbles and (pretend to) drink cocktails, while goofing around with the other people there. I noticed how much energy it gave me to do something like this: creative and fun, but also completely out of my comfort zone (I dance okay, just not when people put cameras and lights up in my face).

I had such a good time and buzzing off the energy it gave me I went home, realizing I have been more on the monotone than adventurous side lately. And while my routine is healthy and productive (most of the time anyway), I then and there decided I wanted to more things that I'm not naturally drawn, that I usually say 'no' to for no particular amazing reason and that I might actually be scared of a little.

Because cool stuff happens when you get out of your comfort zone.

*For me that's pretty much pretending you don't feel super awkward when you're filmed.

Season Series: Closing ceremony.

2011-10-30T13:35:00.000+01:00

Autumnized Wardrobe
I ordered 'my' sweater in marine as well and a classy black dress with long sleeves that looks lovely with my big knitted circle scarf. It was on sale, your honor.

This Tuesday, my mom was having a good day and after we'd been to her physical therapist, she told me to drive to 'our' jeans store. She and I, advised by a helpful shopping assistant, picked out two pair of dark denim skinny jeans and I also managed to find a green cardigan with big wooden buttons that fit the 'Warm' and the 'Cute' criteria of my wardrobe. A soft blue circle scarf checked off both items on that list too. The bag dangling from my arm was the bonus on top of fact I got to spend a complete day with my mother: when we got home, she made crossword puzzles at the kitchen table while I made brownies and poured her more cinnamon tea. It was a great day.

Then Friday, I purchased my babies: classic, tall, light tan. Warm, criminally comfortable and killing with the right outfit. I hereby declare I'm done for the wardrobe part.

Fall Food
I have grown very fond of hot water with lemon juice and grated ginger: healthy comfort drink for autumn if there ever was any*. I made a batch of vegan brownies this week, using raw cacao and the result was absolutely delicious. I mean it. I can't wait to make a second batch with a dash of cinnamon and more almond milk so they'll be a little more fudgy. I also found a few new pasta recipes I can't wait to try -- one with the combination of skinned tomatoes with grapes and a spinach-based one. I love tweaking recipes to my own tastes and preferences. This did accidentally result in the spiciest pumpkin soup to date, but it opened up all our sinuses real nice.

Oh! Sidestory that illustrates you attract what you give out: I brought green juice to work and a co-worker of mine noticed. We started talking and basically spent an hour and a half swopping healthy recipes and tips. She was the first person I encountered who knew what maca powder, carob powder and spirulina were. Her words: "I found my Food Soulmate!!" So cool: she looks like the sweetest little thing but practices martial arts like a boss.

Autumn Exercise.
I'm totally lazy this week.** But that's been nice, I needed a break. I have spent a lot of time at home with my mom and I have also been with Lemon Man a lot, which has been wonderful. And now I'm ready. Things look good. The one start up run I did this week was okay and I'm still very excited to start my new yoga card.

Love in October.
I could turn this into a superlong story about how we went shopping but this sums it up pretty nicely: He got me a blender. It doesn't get more romantic than that, people.

And that's it - happy fall everybody.
Eat warm food, wear good sweaters and give a lot of hugs. Have a good one.

*Make sure your schedule allows a lot of pee breaks.

**This means that if you have exercised this week, you can now feel better about yourself at my expense! Yay!

Season Series: Activities.

2011-10-27T09:00:00.001+02:00

♥ Spending a whole day at home with my phone and computer off. Just reading, writing, cuddling with my family and maybe cooking.

♥ Sitting in my favorite coffee shop and writing poetry until Lemon Man comes to pick me up for a movie date.

♥ Spending a day in bed.

♥ Spending a day in bed with Lemon Man.

♥ Hanging out with friends, making cupcakes and watching Sex&the City until we're high off sugar and the outrageous outfits Carrie wears.

♥ Fondue with my grandparents.

♥ Luxuriously eating out with my boyfriend, bff and her boyfriend.

♥ Dancing the night away in techno music with a bass that drowns out everything else.

♥ Cab rides home.

♥ On-line shopping: twice the fun in buying and receiving, happy anticipation and saving the time.

♥ A forest walk.

♥ Getting out of a forest walk to stay on the couch.

♥ Decluttering: throwing out old stuff. A spring cleaning, just two seasons too soon.

♥ Practicing love and gratitude.

♥ Enjoying the now as much as I can.

Season Series: Work-outs.

2011-10-26T09:00:00.000+02:00

Yeah. The nerd who always got picked last in gym class actually turns out to like exercise. You just gotta find your thing, man*. I found (a few) of my things and they had to be included in my autumn schedule.

Of course, what better excuse for this geek at the start of fall than to dive into the hot room for some better temperatures? So you'd think. This week, first week of fall, I'm not in the yoga studio. Gasp.

It's a time-based decision more than anything, really; my card expired Sunday and I have a hectic schedule this week, which means less time for yoga class. I decided to start fresh with a new card either this weekend or on Tuesday morning that I can use to the fullest. Luckily enough, I will have the luxury of time in November, which means I'll have a lot more opportunity to go to class while still being able to spend a lot of time with my mother and family. So this fall will definitely be a yoga fall. I want to continue to grow in my yoga practice.

I also want to pick up my running routine. For the past -oh, I don't know- six months I did an average of two runs a month. In comparison to the summer of '10, where I started running more and longer distances, that's a little meagre. And it's such a great way to relax, it's great for my legs and I can do it on auto-pilot: I just listen to bass-pumping tracks for 30 minutes while I just happen to be putting one feet in front of the other at a moderately high pace. Plus, it feels like a little extra challenge on the side. Once I'm up to my usual standard, I can start pushing myself a little more. Longer distances, more often, the works. My favorite season to run in will always be summer --I run best when I'm dying of heat, apparently. But fall is the next-best thing.

I look forward to working out this season. Having breaks from everything, periods of time all to myself, taking care of myself. Running through the dewy fields near my house, through forests showered in leafs with fire colors. Sure, cold temperatures but sunlight and no rain if you're lucky. A nice warm shower afterwards and a cup of tea afterwards. Getting up early and having done a yoga class before other people even wake up. Enjoying the heat of the room and the way my muscles stretch and contract. Coconut water or green juice afterwards.

I'm bringing it to the mat and to the concrete this fall. Good thing, really, because I know that once it starts snowing I am not leaving my house of Lemon Man's apartment until the first flowers spring and I don't want to be craned out of a window.

*Man, oh, man, I would love to try out freerunning. But for now, I'm too chickenshit. One day, though. One day.

Season Series: Food.

2011-10-25T09:00:00.000+02:00

With the temperatures falling, my need for comfort food rises. I automatically start longing for warm food, a spicy taste and rich texture. I think it's the loss of summer that always depresses me, and as an emotional eater I comfort a few of my emotions with food. Now, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to feel emotions when you eat. It is bad to eat away your emotions, no doubt: you'll fail to learn other strategies and develop a dysfunction relationship with food. But an emotional connection with the things you eat, a positive one, I believe is actually a good thing.

I come a long way from overeating a lot of my days to eating happily and healthy almost every day. I drink a lot of green juice, have recently begun with wheatgrass shots and sprouting grains and seeds for on bread and salads and I make my own inspired healthy treats with cacao and carob. When I have to work, I get up very early to juice at least a liter to bring to work, make a green breakfast smoothie and prepare lunch and snacks for during the day. It's actually not a chore: I love getting out of bed for that and making the effort. If I do this, I have delicious healthy food at my disposal all day is so nice and it pays off in terms of mood, energy levels and general health. What's not to love?

I've been reading a lot about vegan and raw food as well as experimenting in the kitchen and I love spending my time expanding my knowledge on health and improving my cooking skills -- Lemon Man is certainly pleased at this recent development. Here's a few things I love making or would love to make this fall.

Pumpkin Soup.

Girl Abroad, one of the best cooks I know, introduced me to it and when I tried it out myself, it was an instant hit with the family. It's a thick, hot soup with lots of flavor and you can throw in a lot of healthy things like carrot, garlic, coconut milk and mushrooms to make it as big of a pumpkin soup posse as you want to. I've already made it a couple of times in a couple of different ways and it's my go-to soup this Autumn.

Pasta.

I love whole wheat pasta. Seriously: now, forever, until gluttony do us part. Lemon Man's signature pasta dish with penne and shitloads of veggies, a rich creamy lasagne, spaghetti ai funghi with a little sprinke of parmezan cheese. Oof. Bring them on and bury me in them this season.

Raw cacao concoctions.

This autumn, my love for chocolate will be expressed differently. During the summer I tried my hand at some raw cacao recipes and I've started to prefer it over regular. It took some getting used to and experimenting, but it's worth it. My current favorite is a 'Chocolate Pudding' where you blend banana, soaked chia seeds (they make everything pudding-y) and a dash of carob and maca on top of one table spoon of raw cacao. A few raw cacao nibs sprinkled on top and you have a crazy-good chocolate comfort food.

I also intend to experiment with a few recipes I found on Oh She Glows: The brownies and the pumpkin-pie brownie cupcakes, and of course, my beloved the Fruit Pursuit has some killer things on her website such as this Raw Brownie and the Raw Chocolate Nibs. Of course, when her e-book comes out, I might be found in my kitchen with a raw cacao overdose but let's worry about that later.

Coffee.

I have the problem with coffee I tend to overdose. Once I've had a taste of that delicious bitter warmth I just go nuts and drink four cups a day. Which is not good for anyone. I personally end up with terrible caffeine crashes and a lot of trouble falling asleep. However, after quitting for a while, I truly savor the cups I do allow myself. Not every day, but on some days, it's fine to enjoy one cup of coffee, especially since I really enjoy my coffee. I love love love a good latte.

Miscellaneous things I intend to indulge on this fall.

♥ Cinnamon-mint tea ♥ Hearty salads ♥ Warm almond milk ♥ Grilled goat-cheesy mushrooms ♥ Home made pecan pie ♥ Homemade pumpkin pie ♥ Hot raw chocolate milk

And hey.
Making food is one of the best excuses I can think of to stay inside during the fall. Score.

Season Series: Autumn with Lemon Man.

2011-10-24T09:00:00.000+02:00

For me, autumn really began with Lemon Man's birthday the 20th of October. Last year, we had only been dating for a month and I went through the agony of not knowing what to get your new flame for his birthday, but since he's been my steady warm little fire for a while now I was right on top of things. There was some pre-shopping agony because shopping for a dude in general sucks balls, but it turned out pretty good.

I got him the fancy virtually indestructible umbrella he once mentioned he'd like to have. To most people (NGL: including yours truly) this sounds like a superlame present. My man, on the other hand, got so excited I was afraid he was going to pee his pants. He loves it, no more crappy umbrellas he has to steal from his roommate when it's raining! He now has his own supersonic ella-ella-ey-ey-ey.

Additionally, like all people in the first world he has the problem of finding socks that match. I know, drama. In a moment of the Universe' Infinite Wisdom, I stumbled upon black socks with a colored strip so you can always easily spot his twin. It's horrifying that I apparently am one of those girlfriends who buys socks for her boyfriend, but that doesn't count when the socks are superawesome.

I also got him the first three seasons of The Office US, one of the few American comedy shows he loves. I also bought him the two Disney classics: 'Monsters Inc' and 'Up'. I know, I know. Why would I buy a sexy 26-year old man who loves building shit and techno music a bunch of Disney films? Here's why.

First, I'd like to have a collection for when we live together. A friend of mine from high school does this with her boyfriend and I think that's so fucking adorable I'm totally stealing her idea. I not only like to have a collection for ourselves, but also for our hopefully future children. YES, I know how horrifying that is of myself but you know what, fuck it: I have a kick-ass significant other and a biological clock that orchestrates 60% of my behavior. I want to have his babies one day, and they need to be educated with Disney eventually, might as well be ready for it. Last and less evolutionary reason is that I like the idea of watching Disney movies with him in bed during the rainy Autumn ahead.

Because this rainy Autumn season ahead I am okay with. With Lemon Man around, any season is okay. I love to spend time with him and what's more, I really want to spoil him this season. He's been so incredibly good to me since day one and even more so since my mom got sick, he deserves to be spoiled rotten.

And with this guy I want to do a relationship Autumn Style. You know, with forest walks and shit. That's saying something, because I never want forest walks. I just want to sit somewhere warm and eat stuff.

But this autumn, I want to take him on forest walks. I want to make him luxurious brunches after a night out and I want to cook him pipin' hot comfort food. I want to have impromptu coffee dates, skip-hop through bookstores as he calls me 'Nerd' and snuggle up on the couch under a blanket with candles* around us. I want to buy him corny stuff like socks and boxers and I want to warm him up in both the literal sense with a blanket, the figurative sense with love as well as the dirty sense.**

So bring on the falling leafs, the rain, the wind and the incredibly annoying 'what kind of coat is appropriate for this weather' inner debates. With this guy, a classic that goes with all seasons, I am ready for fall.

*Funny: he bought vanilla scented candles for his room with the remark "I've never been this gay for anyone".

**You know. With sex.

Season Series: Autumn Wardrobe.

2011-10-23T15:50:00.004+02:00

For the biggest part of the year I wore whatever I found on the floor when I woke up. That's how uninterested I was in the clothes I put on my body -- and how terrible messy I am. My days consisted of doing yoga, working on my thesis; those activities call for comfortable easy clothes anyway, so not really much need to make a big deal about what you're wearing.

But then autumn came around with the job that I love (and the paycheck that's nice too), I wanted warmer clothes. But not just big hoodies and thermal socks, I want beautiful things. At work, I felt how nice it can be to be in cute clothes with your hair done and a pretty color on your cheeks. Which made me realize I'd like to put a little more effort into how I look. It makes me feel a little better, which can be just what I need on the harder days. I deserve that little pick-me-up I can get from looking in a mirror and seeing that I've done okay today.

So. I first threw everything I hadn't worn for the past year out of my closet, packed it up and drove to Goodwill. Long overdue because I had zero space left and a lot of clothes that were just 'there' because I was lazy. I like simple clothes most of the time: single colors, cotton, soft material (I can't remember the last time I wore anything with a print) and that's fine because you don't need to be progressive to look pretty. I decided to Autumnize my wardrobe, while honoring the simplicity I love.

I then got out my creditcard and you know, Asos happened. I added a peacock green longsleeved dress to my wardrobe (it's so cute my boyfriend has already requested me wearing it multiple times), as well as a snug grey sweater by Vila that is so pretty, warm and comfortable I am seriously considering buying it in all colors. A weird white slouchy shirt with long sleeves for a warm version of my inner hipster for going out. During a small shopping trip I found two simple flowy cardigans on sale for just an extra layer of warmth. I added cute black mittens to match the enormous black knitted circle scarf I got at the men's department when me and Lemon Man were shopping for his suit in August.

Next week I'm going to a local outlet store to find a good pair of jeans; it's time to try out a new, slightly more fitted model -- I've pretty much been in my baggy G-star jeans for the past six months. I also want to invest in a few more nice knitted sweaters. And soon, when I'm in the neighborhood of the right shoe store I'm getting what I have always, always, always wanted to have: a pair of classic tan Uggs. I know they're ~~ugly~~ not pretty, but I love them, I'd wear them right and anything that can keep my feet so warm can't be completely wrong, can it?

*If anyone can hook me up with this sweater, that'd be super.

The Creed of Excellence.

2011-09-18T15:11:00.001+02:00

"I bring my best into the job I have and the career I pursue. My best. My balls, brains, beauty with a side of charm and sweat. Everything I already know, I apply. Everything I have yet to learn will be taught, but only if I try, keep trying, try again.

Every task at hand, however mundane or extraordinary, I will pour energy all over, my effort all in. Every altruistic act I do, I do enthusiastically. The things I do for my own soul will be done with the same vigor and respect.

I act like a professional. Not because people have given me that title and not because I have the fame or the power that requires me to do so. But because I know I am one. Whether anybody else knows about it or not. I work hard, whether you know about or not. I make sure I do a damn fine job, whether anyone else notices or not.

I take constructive criticism gratefully. I will remember, learn, improve. People that talk down to me or talk trash behind my back can meet my unimpressed silence. I don't have time to concern myself with you.

I wake up each morning and step to the plate, bring my game. And of course, before I go to bed at night I look in the mirror and go like this:

True story.

Answer the phone & Open the mail.

2011-08-30T09:00:00.001+02:00

"And what she means is, don’t look for outcomes or success. Simply go about your day, doing your job and watch what happens next. Don’t fret. She also says the right things come slowly. Indeed!"

- Click here for the source: Louise Hay interviewed by Sarah Wilson.

Just do the work, whatever it is. Do it and love it for what it is, for how it makes you feel. Not for the success you want it to bring you, not for the money or fame, often still imaginary. Enjoy your day while you're doing what you're doing.

Instead of straining your neck, trying to catch a glimpse of what's ahead, just look in front of your feet. Take the steps and find the treasure hidden on the path.

Less ego, more soul.*

2011-08-18T10:45:00.002+02:00

Subtracting yourself from the equation. Forgetting your reputation. Saying 'fuck you' to status and whether people think you're a big deal or not. Accepting you are not the centre of the Universe. Shrugging when other people have opinions about you. Deleting the opinions you have about others.

Being nice without using it for the 'I'm a good person' display. Being good at something without bragging about it on the Internet. Learning that talking about doing important things is worthless in comparison to actually doing something. Realizing you don't have to declare everything about your life for it to matter, for it to be important, and real and wonderful.

Caring for others. Giving up time for their benefit, without an ulterior motive, without gaining anything. Prioritizing your loved ones and their needs over your own. Being a good friend, daughter or son, granddaughter or grandson, sister or brother.

Less time wasted, more time spent in value.

*Subtitle of @BlairJivenyWest's website.

Raw, my 80%-20% Rule & green coconut butter.

2011-07-14T20:43:00.009+02:00

I've been eating horribly this week and I'm paying the price for it now; I'm sluggish, I get a pounding head at times and I get very tired, even when it's only in the afternoon and haven't really done anything strenuous. That's what a pot of coffee a day, fried food and candy will do to you.

It always takes a few days for me to get to that point, but today, as I woke up feeling like a drone and stayed tired for the entire day, I realized I want to implement more raw food. I want to increase my energy up to my usual standards.

Because ladies and gentlemen, that is the main reason I (want to) eat healthy, mostly raw food. The energy you get from it is fucking brilliant. It is that energy alone that makes it worth to invest time, money and effort in a pure, healthy diet.

I have yet to meet a chocolate bar, pasta dish or omelette that gives me the same amount of energy as a green juice or almonds give me (unless there is speed or cocaine in that chocolate bar, in which case I don't think the factory will be manufacturing foods for a very long time).

So I'm upping the healthy food intake again. At this point in changing my lifestyle and getting used to all these different healthy foods, I personally strive for 80 % healthy food and 20 % miscellaneous. The 80% healthy foods for me are: green juices, almond pulp blended with fruit, coconut water, nuts, salads, fruit bowls, wholewheat bread or pasta, home made muesli, avocados and water spiked with lemon. Not everything in this list is raw (I'm still a vivid member of No Complex Carbs Left Behind), but I try to keep most of it in the Raw Department.

What also really helps for me is if the 20% miscellaneous foods are things I really, really enjoy it. Brownies&blondies from this place, high quality lattes, sour candy or those salty soy crackers (although too much of those give me a dehydration heachache and painful tongue, so moderation is key).

I feel perfectly healthy, energetic happy when I keep up the guidelines previously mentioned and after this week of accidentally going more into the 50-50% range, I needed to reinstate the whole deal a little.

So I went to my favorite El Cheapo grocery store and got an extra load of veggies and fruits. I stopped by the cute Nuts Lady where I invested in a few addition to my nut stash.

At home I reorganized the fruit bowl, fridge and pantry. I froze a load of spinach and bananas. I put my dried berries in containers, put the nuts in labeled bags. I wrote down the ingredients available to me, ingredients I still need. I started looking up healthy, raw, recipes on-line and wrote them down.

Coconut butter had been on my list for a very long time and so I located my left-over shredded coconut and went to town with my blender. Or better said, tried to go to town. I never really got there. My blender is a member of the Industrial Revolution Memorabilia Club. It has only one speed and you have to keep your hand on the fucking thing, otherwise it will come to a pathetically screeching halt.

So after 30 minutes of pretty much no progress and a boyfriend fed up with the agonizing sounds coming from my blender, I decided to throw in an avocado to make it creamy. The good news is that this totally worked. The hilarious news is that my coconut butter is green and that, although it's fridged, I will probably have to consume the whole 150 grams of it in two days if I don't want it to turn brown. Guess I better get to it.

Notes on Executing Goal Achievement.

2011-07-10T21:19:00.005+02:00

We’re all trying to achieve something. Whether it is a promotion, weight loss, writing a book or raising money for charity, we all have things we want to accomplish. Smart creatures that we are, we look all around us for information on how to do those things. We ask guidance from professionals, we read books, we watch programs. We listen intently, soak up all the words from the page, take notes like we’re mad scientists on the verge of a breakthrough. We learn things that could really help us get to our goals.

We’re so excited now. We feel the fire in our hearts; we’re onto something. This is something. This can help us. This can really make a difference. This is it. Finally.

We found something great. But then...nothing. We don’t do anything.

This is the main problem in most people interested in goal achievement; we don’t do half the things we get all excited about at first. We don’t put into practice what we read, hear or see. Those passages from our books, all that great advice from other people, the parts from the seminars that make our eyes light up? We don’t try them out. Why don’t we? Why don’t we put what we learn to work?

I think we get overwhelmed. The possibility that we have it all wrong starts to choke us before we even begin. It might not work as wonderfully as we expected. We might not be good enough. It might go wrong. We might fail. Resulting in us not putting into practice what we’ve learnt.

Here are notes that might make it easier for us to get from the information stage into the actual goal-directed behavior:

Expect improvement, not a miraculous overnight result.
Don’t expect this change to drastically alter your life in a day, a week. Give it time. Exercise the new approach, take a while to watch its results manifest. Changing your life, achieving your goals happens one act, one day, one step at the time. Keep taking these steps; those little nuggets you keep collecting and executing will add up to a miraculous, changed life.

Keep your individuality in mind.
Among us are morning people and night owls, adrenalin junkies and lovers of laidback, analytical minds and practical people. We’re all different. Not surprisingly, we’re going to need different tactics to get to our goals.

Instead of assuming we can do what somebody else does and find it just as beneficial, we need to figure out what works for us, specifically. Try out different things. Keep what suits you and lose what doesn’t. Design a program that caters to your specific needs, life requirements and personality aspects. This way you’ll end up creating your own ultimate regimen towards your goals.

You’re already doing great.

That’s right. Even when you’re failing miserable in your own eyes, not having done so many of the things you would have liked to have achieved by now, not executing so many of your plans, I’m here to tell you you’re doing a great job.

Because you are somebody with plans and dreams. You’re searching for skills and information to execute those plans. Even if you have some trouble in executing them, you can still be proud of yourself for gathering so much knowledge about achieving your goals. Stop punishing yourself for what you haven’t done yet and start celebrating the steps you’ve already taken. You may not be there yet, but that you’re on your way.

You’re doing great. And I'd like to leave you with that positive note, because as a final tip: you'll get a lot more done when you believe in yourself than when you keep putting yourself down. True story.

My Two Life Hacks (Fuck Tomorrow)

2011-06-19T22:42:00.005+02:00

"Tomorrow, or something"

I had intended to go to the 09:30 class so I'd get it out of the way for all the Father's Day Festivities my Brady Bunchesque family would have in store for me. But I overslept. Something with missing the snooze button, I don't even know. Whatever. I was bummed, and then thought, for only a second: "I'll go again tomorrow or something."

I didn't go tomorrow, or something. I'm done with that shit. Because 'tomorrow, or something' is something undirected, so vague and without intention, that you're setting yourself up for failure. Chances are you're not going to do it at all. Chances are, tomorrow will always be 'or something' and you'll never get there.

And I'm done with that. 'I'll do it tomorrow, or something' is the stupidest, most self-defeating of all my thoughts and I'm on a mission to kick its ass.

I've seen that with yoga.

If I go all 'we'll see how this week goes', I end up missing classes I could have easily taken if I had just been more clear about it to myself beforehand. But if I say 'I want to a yoga class every day this week and do a double class twice'? I know I'm going to do it.

It's the same with healthy eating.

I eat different things than my family does these days, which means I have to go out and get a lot of stuff myself. So if I just go 'meh, we'll see how it goes' and not put any thought into it, I end up eating a lot more unhealthy food (that I'm not even craving!) than I usually do. In the other scenario, where I go "okay, I want green juice for breakfast every morning, almond-milk and macadamia-butter", I know what I want. So I take an hour out of my day to visit the cheap grocery store, to make conversation with the friendly check-out lady at the nut-counter while she stacks up a bag for me and I end up with exactly what I wanted.

Yoga and Health are my 'Life Hacks'.

By becoming fitter and healthier, I am improving my life both directly and indirectly. I am more energetic, more focused, more relaxed. I need less sleep, I am more lucid and in touch with the things that inspire and motivate me.

But also, by watching my behavior in regards to yoga and food, I learn so much I can apply in other areas of my life. About prioritizing, dealing with procrastination, mental blocks, residue issues I still have.About working for the things you want. Today. Not tomorrow, or something.

This might be stating the obvious, but I did go to yoga today.

Tomorrow or something can kiss my ass.

Yogathon Recap: The Yogi who Lived.

2011-06-15T15:39:00.005+02:00

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So.

Five Bikram Yoga classes in one day.I practiced Bikram Yoga for 7,5 hours.

I did not die. I drank more water than most people do in a week. I sweated more than most people do in a week. I survived on mostly juices, coconut water and Firefly concoctions. Now I know this sounds like a mad plan to most, but honestly? There are people all around the world who not only have done the same thing, there are even people who have done 6, 7 or 8 classes a day. The yoga gives you energy instead of depleting you, which is why you can carry on. That's not to say it's the easiest thing in the world, but it's a beautiful and interesting experience.

And mark my words, one day I'm going to the studio of Mary Jarvis (Lydia's teacher) and practice those 8 classes in a row as well. Booyah.

Class 1 (06:30 AM).

I gotta be honest: my first thought at rising to start the first class was a very panicked "Oh God, how am I ever going to do this?" I have done several back-to-back classes, and I always feel elated after them, but for a second this felt like too huge of a leap. I mean. Five. Seriously.

But...I began anyway and breathed through the freak-out. It might be a huge leap, but you can do anything one step at the time. I would take this one posture at the time. Let the fear be there. By the end of class I knew I was going to make those five classes. Come what may. No matter how hard it got, how many time I would spend on the floor, I'd do those five classes.

Class 2 (09:30 AM).

With 49 people in the room and my yoga mat only half an inch away from Tinkerbell's, sweat poured down from me and the other students and the heat was pushing upon us; it was a tough one. Doing the postures second time around wasn't bad though; it felt natural. Plus, I was a little more limber than first class! In final savasana I was so relaxed I felt a little high. I could hardly peel myself from my mat for the second group photo of the day. I was a little whoozy in the shower but felt really good.

(In between class two and three, Tinkerbell and I went to my place and I made us a spinach salad and an almond-coconut-strawberry smoothie. As we waited for the next class we munched on soy crackers and sipped on green tea. Not surprisingly, I started to feel sleepy after all the food. The combination of strenuous excerise and eating after never fails to make me drowsy. However, on we went. Time for the next round.)

Class 3 (03:30 PM).

Again, the room was really crowded, but it wasn't as hot and humid as the class before. I had to sit down a few more times than the previous two classes but that wasn't because of the two classes before: I had upset my stomach with those processed soy crackers and apparently I need more time in between food and Bikram Yoga, a minimum of two hours. An hour and a half is still too little time to digest. Something to keep in mind for next classes and next Yogathon.

Class 4 (05:45 PM)
To my initial dismay I've now grown so stiff most postures are becoming a struggle. Fatigue is setting in too. My legs are so cramped up most standing postures are not really an option anymore. I almost slipped onto my towel because I've sweated so profusely. In the floor series I give a little more effort in the back-strengthening series but I'm so tired after I close my eyes after and listen to the soothing voice of my teacher. I know I'm not supposed to close my eyes, but I can't fight it any longer.

I get over sitting down and having to lie down pretty quickly. This is yoga too; listening to your body telling you it's been enough, urging you to be gentle with it. Just breathing and being is just as much doing yoga as doing the postures. I'm allowing myself to just be here. No judging, no worrying.

Class 5 (08:00 PM).

The final class I spent mostly sitting down. I do only the first two postures and then I'm just done. I do a few sitting postures too, but I can tell: It's over. Some yogi's doing the five classes are still doing every, single posture and I can only applaud them, but I'm not there yet. Maybe next yoga-thon, but for now I'm completely knocked out. My muscles ache from being stiff and cramped up.

After.
It's really hard to figure out how I feel, I realize after showering and getting dressed to go home. Some yogi's are emotional, others are bouncing up and down the walls, but I don't know what I feel. I know I should be exhausted, and my body is definitely tired, but I don't feel wiped out the way you'd think I would. The yoga energy is still carrying me, I guess. After Tink drops me off at home, I grab a bottle of water and dive straight into bed.

The Next Day.

At waking I tweeted: "Although my muscles are all going "HEY! Remember what you did yesterday?! WE DO!" moving is not as unbearable as anticipated! SCORE!" This was true. My muscles were a little sore but I felt fine. Happy, definitely and energetic.

I took my bike and went grocery shopping. I got shitloads of green leafs, fruits and nuts. I bought a cute outfit for my next summer festival. I informed where I can get tempeh so I know where to go on my next Health Food Mission. I got quinoia. At home, I drank green juice, tea, cleaned my room a little. Made a coconut milkshake.

It was a good day. And then it started. The fatigue and headache crept on me until my temples throbbed and keeping my eyes open was a struggle. It was only today I realized what was happening. The fatigue was not only from doing all the yoga but also because I hadn't consumed solid foods in two days. Everything from my food intake was raw and/or fluid and because I wasn't hungry at all, I hadn't noticed that to my usual standards I had eaten too little.

The headaches were a symptom from something else. It's mentioned briefly in something I wrote before: When I'm stressed, I clench my jaws. Not just a little but so tight it gives me really bad headaches. Perhaps doing all the yoga got rid of a few mental blocks, releasing all the tension still in my body.

Whatever it was, it really sucked. I felt awful. I went to my boyfriend's place and he was a total doll about me being a headachy, tense mess. He made me dinner as I showered and after I had slowly eaten a huge delicious pasta dish I pretty much passed out on the couch. After a few hours of napping there, I relocated to bed, where I slept until 07:30 AM.

Today.
I still have the headache. I keep trying to relax my jaws, but it's just not happening. I'm just going to go with it for now, drink enough water to be sure it isn't dehydration and if it's still this bad by tomorrow I'm popping aspirin.

I've been working on my thesis all day and feel confident about it. Not only is it not as shitty as I make it in my head, I'm really close to finishing it and I'm excited to hand it in on Friday. Even if it's not good enough yet, it will be after the feedback. I'm pretty much just hoping it will get rid off this fucking headache.

Despite the headache, I feel pretty good. Also, I looked in the mirror and my skin does look seriously amazing today. That's probably not a coincidence. I think other effects might take a little longer, but if I notice them I'll keep you posted.

I intend to do three or four classes in a row again soon. Why? Because it's fun. Because it's good for me. Because I can. I'm going to try five in a row again after a little while, but for now I think three or four is the optimal amount of sessions my body and mind can handle.

Room for improvement?
Next time, I'll make sure I'll eat very well the day before and up my water intake drastically before, during and the days after to prevent dehydration at whatever states. I'll also make sure to eat sufficiently straight after. And...I'm taking a yoga class the day after. Just to jump back straight away. I'm sure I wouldn't have collapsed the way I did yesterday if I had taken a yoga class.

In retrospect.
It's one of those things I had always wanted to do and I did it. I set the goal and I achieved it. I accepted my own limits and I did everything to my ability. And in doing so, I did something so beneficial for myself; it was a great day to really take care of yourself and get to know yourself even better. Through yoga both what you're capable of and your limits are tested, but in a good, loving way.

The support of our yoga studio and fellow students made everything even better and it was such a wonderful experience to share with Tink and the others. It was an amazing day and I think I'll always come back to that hot room. For tranquility, for answers, for challenge and always to take care of me.

The silent brute: a poem on success.

2011-06-10T19:55:00.005+02:00

Success is not a pay check or reward. Success is not a pat on the shoulder. Neither is it deafening applause or roaring crowds. Success is not the happy end.

It is your quiet dedication. It is the run nobody even knew you ran, the meeting you did not tweet about, the studying you didn't whine about to your friends. It's all the things you sacrifice without making a martyr of yourself. It's early mornings, late nights, sleepless hours that went by unnoticed by everyone but you, spent rehearsing, practicing, writing, exercising. It's the time you spent working while others are out playing.

Because success is a brutal mute; an ongoing silent battle.

Success is countless unseen hardships for that one victory, one day.

Success is every dark moment you had to go through in order to step into the light.

Success is every floor you collapsed on and every time you had to get yourself together. Success is every inch of that floor that you crawled, in order to get on that podium.

Reminders of and thoughts on progress.

2011-06-02T20:03:00.005+02:00

It's so easy to forget how much you've changed. During the past months, I've changed tremendously, in many different areas. But I hardly even notice anymore. I'm already used to my endurance, to having a quiet mind, to taking care of myself, to lean arms and abdominal definition, to feeling amazing after yoga, to a thinner face, to the fact I don't panic anymore and that I feel good most of the time.

But sometimes, you meet people who give you a little reminder. Yesterday at yoga, I ran into Fashion to the Crime and her sister. I hadn't seen both in months. Mind you, this was me post-yoga in sweaty work-out gear with zero make-up, but Fashion to the Crime was still stunned.

"You look amazing,"

I responded with my usual answer "Thanks, it's the yoga!"and we continued conversation, in which half-way through the sister interjects: "Wait a second. Are you Genesis' younger sister?"

I laughed. "No, I'm Genesis."

FTTC's sister could not process this information. "But...you're SO thin."

I grinned. "Yoga."

"Wait," the sister asked, "were you fat before?"

"Not really," I said, "but I was more..."

"Voluptuous," FTTC offered.

"Curvy," I decided.

"You look so good," FTTC repeated. "I'm so proud of you."

See, I forget those things now. For me this is just how I look and it's nothing special. Which is good because otherwise I'd never get anything done and just sit in front of the mirror all day, which interference with productivity, human interaction and going to the bathroom.

This got me thinking about my former obsessions with achievements. I still want to achieve. I want to become so much more than what I already am. I want to be leaner, fitter, thinner, stronger, bigger. I want to be more bad ass, yet more peaceful. I want to accomplish so much.

But it's no longer this big, scary thing that's unattainable. It's no longer that I want all those things because I'm not good enough. I want those things because I am.

Because the person that I am, the creator of all this previous progress, is perfectly capable of achieving all those things I want most. And even if I am not capable just yet, the person who I will become from learning from everything I do to get there, will be. There's honestly no possibility for failure here. You just have to keep going.

Opinions are like assholes.

2011-05-08T07:47:00.010+02:00

Opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one. - Harry Callahan.

You can think of me whatever you want. Like me, dislike me, loathe me, love me. Your call. At this point in life, I find it very easy to accept not everybody is going to like me. I don't really worry about that anymore.

See, I figured something out: If somebody starts to like me, they'll go and find plenty reasons to like me even more. They'll see the good in my behavior, in my words, in my face. Same thing if they've already decided to dislike me: there are plenty of reasons to. Because they'll see my faulty actions, they'll consider my words wrong and harsh and don't even get me started on that fishy-eyed face.

I'm not saying that I like being disliked. It's human nature to want to be liked, loved, adored. I'm just saying that if you want to dislike me, or anyone else, you can. You're allowed to think of anyone whatever the hell you want.

But over time, based on my own strong emotional (negative) reactions towards others, observing them in real life and of course the notorious and easy to spot examples on the Internet (hello, Negative Nancy United: Anonymous On The Internet Division! How nice of you to join!) I noticed something.

It's not them, it's YOU.

Most negative emotional reactions towards somebody else and the possibly following mean responses have to do with our own personal issues. It can range from projecting your own personal body issues onto somebody else to telling them their book will never see the light of day because you fear you will fail to write yours. It can be that their self-confidence upsets you or that their sadness over a break-up reminds you of your own, very painful, ones.

Fear, jealousy, sadness, anger. These things may be ignited in personal interaction, but in the end they all come from you. The other person has very little to do with why were upset with them, why we don't like them. The problem is that often we don't see that.

Because even if we're dealing with the world's biggest douchebag, if we didn't feel an emotional reaction of them getting on our nerves, there wouldn't be a problem. We would either laughingly deal with the moron, or walk away. Which brings me to my next point.

Internet Bitches: shut the fuck up.

I told you before, you're perfectly free to not like somebody. I never said you could go around and start making a big show out of it. Which is very often, what people do on the Internet. While in real life, you'll get away from somebody you don't like, on-line the trend seems to be you should make loud claims about how and why somebody sucks.

Do you really get a kick out of this? And if you do, don't you realize that makes you kind of a sad person in most people's eyes? Nobody sits around and applauds you for writing a hurtful comment. There's nobody who goes: "Wow, look what that Anonymous said! Awesome! That must be SUCH a cool person for typing out an elaborate response to something!"

Even if I don't particularly like a blog, actually even if I really don't like the blog, whenever I read a mean comment, I don't go: "Yeah! Go Anonymous, you told them!"

I think: "...Wow. What a waste of time. Was that really necessary? Oh wait, why am I here again?" I click away to a blog that I do like, but in the mean time I do start feeling for the blogger who has to deal with that stupidity.

I have a question. Why don't you walk, or better said, click away? I don't see you going around in real life, walking up to people and be like: "HEY! YOU SUCK!" Why the fuck would you do it here?

Unless you're bringing constructive criticism to the table, you're not doing anybody good. In fact, the people who do like that website all think you're a jerk. Go find something or somebody you do like on the Internet and be nice to them, instead of wasting everybody's time by trashing somebody you don't like.

Think what you want.

I started the post with that notion and I want to end on it. Again, you're allowed to think what you will, about everybody else. About the stranger who hums Stravinsky, about the blogger who writes about New Age Hippie Crap self-help stuff, about the girl in class who keeps raising her hand.

But keep in mind that both in real life as on the Internet, whatever you think, say and do says everything about you.

And for those, who have other people's opinions crammed down their throat, may it be on-line or off-line:

Interview with Nathy & Lo-Fei.

2011-04-08T21:26:00.008+02:00

They're my favorite yogi couple. After one of my first few classes, being totally terrified of all those impressive yoga people -sorry, I have tons of complexes-, she was really nice to me, complimenting my coat and making me feel a million times less like an outsider. I met her boyfriend later, and he is just as genuinely nice as she is.

I was thrilled they let me pick their brain. They have been training for two years now, both competed in the Bikram Yoga championships last year and their latest exciting venture is going to the US to become certified Bikram Yoga teachers. This means they'll be teaching me when they come back this summer. I will be their student. I love it.

(pictures shot by Vita Daniels)

Meet Nathy & Lo-Fei.

I met them over mint tea and orange juice, excited and a bit nervous as I never did something like this before; blatantly ask people to let me talk to them so I could write about it. But they were enthusiastic, both for our meeting as my 30-day commitment. I guess I started being their student a little bit earlier as they encouraged me and told me all I wanted to know.

When I asked them about changes practicing Bikram Yoga had caused, there were plenty. Feeling more equipped to deal with your day, having more focus. Nathy lost 55 lbs, plus gained lots of strength and flexibility. So did Lo-Fei, she also mentioned it got rid of her temper.

"I could get worked up about anything," she said, "and I'll still explode when I've had it up to here, but those moments are few and far between." I commented on how that shocked me, since Lo-Fei is this cute, compact and super-friendly girl who I simply cannot imagine throwing a fit.

"When I feel bad, I do yoga and after feel better," Nathy said, matter-of-factly. "Less stress about everything, less panic, letting go is easier."

Preparation for the championships was tough. "We did one class as a warm-up, then 2,5 hours of training all different postures, and 'Posture Homework' that took them at least an hour every day at first. The amount of homework only increased as time went on. There are moments where you just...collapse. Mentally it's way tougher than physically," they both said. "At one point you're just worn out, people collapse during training, just because of the mental aspect." But of course, they pulled through and they had an amazing time at the championships.

They decided to take the following step; become teachers. Lo-Fei emphasized becoming a teacher is not about better than the student; they just want to share and transfer the knowledge.

For newbies they recommend to make sure your start the posture out right, keep from forcing yourself into poses and look at the people around you, not to compare but to see how they do their postures so you can learn from them. Lo-Fei pretty much confirmed what I have written about before, you can't compare yourself to any of the other students. "You don't know anything about the other person," she agreed when I mentioned this.

They both agree set-up is everything, for everyone. "When you set up right, you immediately notice how your body feels as you go into the posture," Lo-Fei said. They also stressed that you go forward millimeter by millimeter, the progress can be minute but is still there.

When I asked them about postures, Nathy confessed he hates Balancing Stick. Lo-Fei shrugged and told me that for her, it changes a lot; depending on her body, her mood, the way she feels. She tries them either way and doesn't feel frustrated in postures anymore.

They don't have favorite teachers anymore either - they all have different qualities to appreciate. The more you train, the less that becomes a thing.

When I ask them about a healthy lifestyle, they tell me they don't drink, or smoke, and eat meat only on occasion. "You get more sensitive to things, more aware of what you put into your body does to you," Lo-Fei said, "and you start noticing these things don't feel as good anymore." I'm terribly relieved to report she still really loves the taste of coffee - just like I do.

"It's not about avoidance," she added, "that has such a negative ring to it. It's about what feels good to your body. You'll feel what your body really needs."

"Your body becomes more clean, more pure with each yoga class," Nathy added, "you will notice that too when you do your thirty days and when you do things like drink or smoke or stuff like that, it will hit you a lot harder than it used to. Your taste buds will change too."

Lo-Fei started to laugh and dished out a story about Nathy who craved mini hot-dogs, ate a whole bunch of them and became sick to his stomach. "The next day during yoga class he reeked of garlic and meat," she chuckles.

"They tasted way better in my memory," Nathy grinned. "Which is something that happens a lot, will probably happen to you too," he warns.

"The more you train, the quicker all these changes will come," he also told me. "But it's still a process, coming to you with tiny alterations, only when you look back after a while you see how much you've changed."

When I asked him what else I could expect was that I would start getting less attached to my own performance during class. "If you only train a few times a week, you'll feel pressured into performing at your very best," Nathy explained, "when you do it every day, you'll be easier on yourself. If it doesn't work that day, it doesn't work. You'll do it tomorrow."

One of my favorite things they told me was Nathy, who looked at me and said confidently: "What Bikram Yoga has taught me most of all is that nothing is impossible. When I saw the world champion train with us once, doing the Standing Head To Knee Pose I first thought I would never be able to pull that off! And the pose I did for the championships (see photo) didn't work upto a week before the big day. But then I got this one tip from one of the teachers - that made it a lot easier. Nothing is impossible."

Lo-Fei agreed. "If you focus, you will go that way. You'll get there eventually. Both in Bikram Yoga and in life. Go for what you want, at least take steps on that road and at one point, you'll look behind you and think: 'Wow, did I make it this far already?'"

When Lo-Fei had to leave for lunch with a friend, Nathy and I had lunch, which resulted in the conversation I wrote about. I went home with a head full of dreams, goals and of course, the anticipation of all the upcoming classes, changes that will happen in this process I've entered.

Tricks of the Trade

♥ If you're ever on the road and you can't do your entire routine, do the Half-Moon, Triangle and Camel Pose. These poses will maintain the way you've come!

♥ If you ever feel tired in the afternoon, jonesing for a coffee break, try doing a few backward bends. This opens up your chest, makes breathing easier and if you do 4-5 reps you'll feel more energetic.

The Secret that was never really a secret.

2011-03-28T09:04:00.000+02:00

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I recently received a comment about The Secret (thanks Kelly!) and I decided to do a blog post about it. I've read The Secret and its workbook religiously when I was younger and it has greatly influenced me, therefore it's definitely worth writing about. Although I devoured it at 18, I am putting it into a bit more perspective. So here's what I think, here's how it manifests in my life and how I still need to train it.

First of all: The Secret is a fad.

Rhonda Byrne, the author took something and turned it into a hype; a worldwide bestseller phenomenon that everybody discussed and had an opinion of. That something she took, the Law of Attraction, was never really a secret at all.

Long before The Secret came out, there were numerous books, websites and people who explained it quite clearly: You attract what you give out. Simpler put, like attracts the like.

The book The Secret explains it quite nicely, a bit simplistic and overstated but it's a good easy read if you want to get introduced to the basics. Let me start by telling you I am offended by the notion that the people who are sick and the people who die have their own "bad thoughts" to thank. That's ridiculous. I know that stress and negative thinking can have an impact on your body. But I see some of the most positive and relaxed people in the world get sick and die too. So fuck that.

Also, in the slightly revised words of my best friend: "You can wish for 30 degrees Celsius all you want, but that's not going to get you out and about town in a summer dress in freezing December." I am of the opinion you should be totally unreasonable in the exorbitant dreams and goals you set yourself. However, keep in mind that certain things won't work. You can't wish the earth out of its orbit, the seasons out of order or your body twenty pounds later overnight.

Now, let's talk things that do work.

Focus. This is key. Focus on what you want. Focus on what makes you happy, on what is the best for your life, yourself and those you love. Focus on the good.

Write it down. This seriously increases the likelihood of goals to be achieved, things to happen and dreams to come true. Just this morning I wrote down that I wanted to do two great yoga classes back-to-back; and I did. I preprogrammed my (subconscious) brain to the idea I was going to be focused, limber and strong, and I was. When you write it down, you literally activate your brain to be more susceptible and alert to signs that indicate what you wanted is around or is happening.

"The Reticular Activating System sits in your brain and acts something like a tiny customizable filter, or for the sake of metaphor a bouncer at the door of your brain. Your beliefs tell the RAS what is and is not important, basically making a list of all the information invited to the party, and your RAS then acts like the bouncer letting whoever is on the list in and kicking the rest to the curb. Of those millions of bits of information mentioned earlier your RAS only lets in about 130 per second in your conscious mind because that's about all your nervous system can handle at one time, and the bits you let in are the ones that you have deemed over the years to be important enough.
Source & Read more"

Positivity. It works wonders on so many levels. You'll feel happier, healthier, you'll be friendlier and more fun to be around, you'll think in solutions instead of problems and life, even when it's hard, will still have plenty of beauty for you to rejoice in.

Give what you want to get. This is one I practice religiously. I am always friendly and have many kinds word to spare to strangers (I only use my bitch face when it's absolutely necessary). I love passionately and show a lot of affection to those I care about. I practice attentiveness and being considerate. In turn, I get that back in countless ways.

Believe you are worth it. This is hard for me in some aspects too. I believe I'm worth to be healthy and loved, which is why I'm in better shape than ever and have great relationships. I am still working on the fact that I am worth becoming the writer I so passionately want to be. Which is why I struggle with my manuscripts, with toggling responsibilities and taking the time to write the things that actually matter.

Be okay with the learning process. You can't decide tonight you want to be a professional journalist by next year. No, wait, you can. It's just that if you do, you just have to be okay with fucking up many times, being told 'no' and falling on your ass in the process of learning how to get what you want. Now, at 22, I am better at setting goals and achieving them than I was at 18. But I still screw up all the time. I hope I will look back in a year (or two) and have become even better at deciding and going after what I want.

Let it go. What I really notice is that the moment I want something, but am okay with it not being with me yet, The Law of Attraction really does its most magnificent works. I'm really great at letting the little things I want go and see them flow to me on a regular basis, but I still need to work on the big fish.

(A really great example of this is that just a few weeks ago, I was traveling by train and I suddenly wanted to send this girl a text message. I wrote in my Moleskine: Get Her Number and without thinking about it any further, trusting in the fact I would get her number soon enough, I continued writing. Not one minute later I received a text message from an unknown number. Guess who it was.)

What do you think about all this? I find it all wildly interesting, so if you'd like to find out more from other people I advice you to check out Gala Darling and Jessica Mullen. Gala's posts and Love&Sequin podcasts are golden and I find that when I do one of Jessica Mullen's worksheets it really benefits my day, my mood and my ability to get what I want. I also loved the following books:

The Law of Attraction by Michael J. Losier
The Success Code by Jack Canfield
How to Motivate Yourself (- change your life forever) by Steve Chandler. (AWESOME.)
Eat That Frog! by Brian Tracy
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey.

(Whatever you do, don't buy The Power. It sucks and it's just trying to get the last drops out of The Secret fad.)

Would you like to know more? Drop me a line and I might come up with another blog post as an answer! I do love writing about this!

Love Letter to my Body.

2011-02-15T09:30:00.001+01:00

Dear body,

First of all, I love you. With all your scars, dents, bumps and hairs in places where I don't want them. You're imperfect, and that's okay. I do love you. I love how healthy and energetic you are, especially when fed well and given enough rest. I love your sensitivity, because it reminds me I should take care of you the best that I can. You keep me conscious of your needs.

I love how you become more athletic with every mile run, with every yoga position I notice you become more limber, creating a curvy silhouette. I see lines of elongated, strengthened muscles in places I'd never thought I'd see them. My shoulders, my legs, even my abdominal muscles are coming in, a beautiful pattern of flesh and bones underneath the bronzed skin. It makes me feel so empowered, so strong and happy.

I never thought I'd say it, with all my disordered eating crap and self-loathing as a teen, but I truly love you. You are my vessel and my shrine. My playground, my instrument, my place of residence and my journey. You are mine, and you are loved. Fuck that you're imperfect. The best things are just that.

So I don't strive for perfection. But I have vowed to take the most excellent care of you I possibly know how. And I still try to uphold that vow the best I can.

I will treat you with exercise, wether it'd be strenuous and exhausting or leisurely and relaxing. I will listen to you, read your signs. I will also reach beyond your limitations; I will expand the realm of what you are capable of. Even in that, I will make sure never to push you too much, because you are as much the pupil as you are the master -- I have much to learn from you.

I will spoil you with healthy foods and luxurious treats; I will strive for purity and love in my diet as much as my approach to life in general. I will provide what you need more than what you desire, but your desires will never go completely ignored. I will keep you well-fed; you will get all the nutrition you need. But if you crave so, I will supply delicious coffee, rich desserts and greasy take-out. I don't believe I will damage you with those --it can do you good every once in a while.

Don't you worry - I pay attention to your requests. I will never again eat anything you are not in the mood for and I will never ever again let you starve. I will let you rest and I will let you dance, run and jump when you need it. I will indulge with long baths, sunlight, sex, massages, smooth body lotions, intoxicating fragrances. Every endorphin- and adrenalin-rush I can give you, you will receive.

I come bearing the humility and gratitude of a servant, as well as the power and guidance of a master. You are my temple, and I will treat you like one.

Love & Yours

Inner beauty is for the attractive.

2011-02-11T15:43:00.007+01:00

Those who say the concept of inner beauty was made up by the lesser attractive must have very little experience with people. Because otherwise you'd never say something so idiotic. Your inner beauty, or inner ugly in some cases, is very real.

I met a topmodel once in the ladies' room. 'The esthetics of her were certainly pleasing' I thought to myself as I checked her out while she applied lipgloss at the sink next to mine: size zero Dolce & Gabbana dress, shoes worth a month's rent. Perfect hair, symmetric little face, pouty lips. But when she opened those pouty lips and a stream of conceited dim-witted statements left her mouth while her arrogant expression seemed to be plastered in with her make-up, it was clear as day to me: I thought she was ugly.

And suddenly I couldn't wait to get out of that bathroom, away from her. Because inner ugly repels.

"It's a kind of radiance. People who posses a true inner beauty, their eyes are a little brighter. Their skin is a little more dewy. They vibrate at a different frequency." - Cameron Diaz.

And in the same way...inner beauty attracts. I'm attracted to girls who love life and who inspire, who are ambitious but kind. I'm attracted to hedonists and optimists. I adore those who explore, whether it's countries, research or self development.

Aren't you? Don't you want to be with the smiling, the happy, the friendly? They exude energy. They attract. They are attractive.

And it's not just that I want to be their friends. It's that inner beauty that gets them places. To be more specific, I'm sure Annemerel's looks work for her, and her sense of fashion don't hurt either, but I think her genuine sweetness is to blame to why she's doing so well in her endeavors.

Beauty on the outside is nice - because it makes us feel good. We like clothes we feel pretty in, we put on make-up and we do all sorts of things to enhance our appearance so we'll feel good. But once you gained access to that positivity and kindness that lives inside you, that's when you truly shine. And that inner beauty will attract...and get you further than any dress, any size or any surgery will ever get.

Don't let anyone tell you inner beauty is for losers -- Inner beauty is a force to be reckoned with.

The desire to dance.

2011-02-05T19:40:00.005+01:00

Sneakers pounding the bench I'm standing on. The glitter rhinestones in my hair flashing in the strobe light. My sweaty palms against the glass wall behind me as I move in sync with the overpowering bass. Occasionally I throw my hands in the air or delve them deep into my messy hair as I move my hips. My every muscle coil, for the sole purpose of finding divine release in moving to the music.

Once the spaciness and the euphoria go down a little bit, and suddenly the switch is pulled where I go from dancing to being nothing but the all-consuming desire to dance, where my entire body is devoted to bass and beat, I don't stop until my legs give out.

Warmth.

2011-01-10T12:10:00.003+01:00

When he came into bed, he was cold and wet from the rain that had soaked him on his way home. I had been sleeping for a few hours when I suddenly felt the rustle of the bed sheets and heard him whisper to me.

I felt his damp cold curls against my neck and the contrast of our body temperatures. Mine warm and rosy from the previous hours asleep, his cool from traveling back home in the pouring rain. He was kissing my neck and I wrapped my limbs around him, too sleepy to speak but determined. To warm him up and to show him how glad I was he would be sleeping by my side this night.

"You're so warm," he sighed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and took on a more comfortable position to fall asleep. I think he said that about seven times before we fell asleep.

I think my final thought before drifting off to sleep as well, as many times before, was the silent promise to give him all the warmth he needs.

Everybody's doing it.

2010-12-27T13:28:00.004+01:00

(I'm a lazy bitch, which is why there are no hyperlinks anywhere. Feel free to browse the past year if the subject interests you.)

The Horrors And Wonders of 2010

I got my heart broken. It's not very motivational to start a post with that and I'm only going to make it worse by bluntly telling you that I've never felt so in pain as during that time. But it's okay. I wouldn't have missed it. It was something I had to experience. I wrote -might I add, some of the best pieces I'd ever written. I cried and raged, but as I did I learned about me and all my edges, rough and smooth. And crazy as it seems, looking back I feel respect for the experience.
I loved. Maybe that should go first because I loved Dash with everything I had too. I did it the wrong way, and maybe he did too, but it was love nonetheless. I don't regret it. I still think he deserves a lot of love. And I loved a lot of other things too. I loved the people and things I've had forever, such as GoldenGirl and my teddybear. I also loved the wonderful new additions to my life were all welcomed, be they amazing new friends or material treasures. Such as my MacBook, who I continue to cherish and my new best friend.
Because yes: the Universe gave me lots of presents this year. All kinds of experiences, ranging from wonderful days at the beach to dancing dancing dancing. But the most treasured are the new people. First I met Nathalie, then Lindsey, and then a whole blog nation swept my house. Then I rekindled my friendship with Kris. And further strengthened the friendships with the rest of them. I wish I had the time to type out everything about every individual but let it be said that they all inspire and rock my world on a semi-daily basis. They are the creative, the strong, the wise, in short: the wonderful.
And of course, I fell in love with Apollo. I'll spare you my mushy talk on how my boyfriend is so amazing.
I found out what it's like to have a soul-sucking job and think it's one of the worst things for any human being, but especially us. I would literally become lifeless if I stayed there. Not because I'd kill myself, but because my euphoria and enjoyment would seep out of me.

What I learned this year:

Because of all the new friendships and the strengthening of old ones, I'd like to think I've learned how to become a better friend. I have so many prime examples in my environment I can't help but to pick up a few tricks. I hope to learn even more in that area.
How to make Green Monsters (thanks Suus!)
I'm a lot more productive than I give myself credit for, I just need to stop procrastinating and actually do something.
Ask, and you will receive (but I already knew that).
People are not what they tell you they are, they are what they do.
You are the only one with full responsibility of your life. Make it what you want it to be, whatever that might be.
I'm good with words (but again, I already knew that).

What's happening in 2011?

Stay tuned...

The cans and cants.

2010-11-09T14:15:00.003+01:00

That you can't, is never an excuse.

Because, you know, you could.

If you want it bad enough, if it matters enough, you will find a way to do it. Whatever you lack in expertise, skill or knowledge, you will make up for in effort and innovation if you want it bad enough. You will do it if it is that important to you.

If you care enough, you will try. And it is likely that you will succeed, based solely on the effort.

You know that your possibilities are only limited by your own fear of failure and that "I can't" is a certain unwillingness blended with that fear.

"Can't" is not a legitimate excuse.

It is just a cleverly concealed version of "I don't care enough to figure it out". This principle applies to every aspect of your life. It's the "He's just not that into you" of life.

It's okay, to say that you can't do something. Because you don't have to do everything. You can choose not to do something. Sometimes other things are more important. But keep in mind it is simply deciding what you think is more worthy of your time and effort. And sometimes you will have to choose between the very important aspects of your life, or the lesser of two evils.

But however way you put it, there is nothing more informative than figuring out what things you or someone else can and cannot do.

Not because it says something about capacities, but because it speaks directly from priorities.

Credo #7.

2010-10-03T19:58:00.002+02:00

I promise

that I will give the world all the things I want to receive.

Credo #7.

2010-09-26T19:00:00.000+02:00

This week, I promise...

to only pay attention to my Intuition telling me about my own desires and longings. What do I want? What do I want to happen next? I promise that when my inner nudge towards something is overpowering, I will go. I promise that if my inner voice is staying quiet or worse, whispering warnings, I will fall back and watch why my instincts kept me from engaging or joining.

to wear lots of layers and have fun with them (autumn is upon us and as much as I like to pretend I'm hot-blooded and a machine, I'm actually easily cold). I will playfully learn what to combine, which colours to pick and what to wear when leafs are falling and hot cinnamon tea is in order.

to respect other people's opinions. We can only understand things from our personal experiences and frames of reference. We all have our own world, truth. Facts aren't even facts because we attach feelings to them. And that's fine. I promise to practice being okay with that.

to read lots of inspiring material. Whether it'd be online or on paper, I will feed my heart and mind with the best things I can find.

to treat every feeling, physical or emotional, like a sensation. Whether it'd be affection, insomnia, infatuation, hunger, satisfaction, frustration, worry. It's all pretty. It's all interesting. It's all very much worth feeling.

Epiphany through a phone call.

2010-08-17T19:49:00.007+02:00

"Wow," he said.

"What?" I mumbled, clutching the phone to my right ear while the left was safely snuggled into my pillow.

My friend had asked me what I thought would become of him -- so I told him.

"Your voice...you just sound so, full of love."

I smile.

"I am full of love for you," I answered, without validating or devaluating the worth and meaning of that. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's just that now I heard it. It's overpowering."

I laugh. "Is it?"

"Yeah. The way you make people feel loved. It kicks ass."

I smiled again. "I think so too."

And I thought to myself, well, I can say that I'm lost, he can say that I'm an overdramatic basket case, one can say that I'm a fool and a freak, and everybody can say that I'm pitiful.

But nobody can ever say I don't know how to love.

That's not everything, but it at least counts for something.

The how

2010-07-23T20:22:00.006+02:00

Like a lonely star gazer

watching the falling planet

powerless over

but infatuated by its course

over the lit-up sky

Like a mother

loves her favorite child

disobedience scarring

only the superficial tissue

never getting to the heart

Like a book

that purrs at the stroke of fingers

exploring its filled pages

retreating onto the shelve

with silence so poetic

its almost a song

Like fine print

on a seemingly reasonable contract

Like a solitary fingerprint

on an otherwise spotless glass plate

Like a bonfire

with a sudden blue flame

Like a pristine business woman

with the hint of glitter on her thigh

That is,

how I love you

A buried sapphire

in the soil of blossoming flower beds

A brittle autumn leaf

between two dictionary pages

A child in a dark cradle,

alternating peaceful sleep with crying

That is,

how it is kept.

SWSS: looking back.

2010-06-05T16:57:00.004+02:00

I've been calling it the Six Week Shit Storm in my head, almost with a loving tone to it. It's kind of a catchy nickname as it passes in thought.

The Six Week Shit Storm. Sums it up pretty good, methinks. Going through a hurricane of emotional shit that rages unlike anything you have ever seen.

I've never been so overpowered, so small in the eye of the tempest. So reduced to the tiniest possible left-over of my self. I was hardly even there, really. I was hardly there, and what remained of me was so battered that I felt the constant pressure of pain on me, either waiting to be taken or forcing itself upon me.

Apparently I needed the Six Week Shit Storm to 'get it out of my system'. Which is not to say that I've completely recovered, but more to outline that I first had to go through that, at full speed, full intensity, before it could get better.

Once all the heartbreak was vomited out, in leaps of starving and bursts of crying on top of the continuously present nagging of my painfully pulsing heart, I was empty. But in a good way. I was clean, almost. I had a void where all the shit had been, and that was room to fill up. With myself.

With all I was before, all I wanted to be and all I now want to be. Stuff keeps trickling in, sometimes new and exciting, other times with an odd familiar smell of long ago. It feels nice. To come back like that, reassembling all the parts of my self while redesigning too.

Because in those six weeks, I wasn't myself. I was that pain. I was consumed by it all. I am no longer that. I thought it would be scary to let it go, but it's not. It's good.

I don't even want to talk anymore. About all that. About it, him.

It's over. Everything has been said and all that hasn't, could never be put into words anyway.

Genesis goes KANYE over B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

2010-05-08T09:01:00.007+02:00

So this is what basically went down in my head as I managed to eat breakfast. Sort of:

"Okay, will you just look at this please? Do you have any idea how awesome I am right now? I am eating a banana. I am EATING a BANANA. I actually took a banana - peeled it - sliced it, AND I'M EATING IT.

I am SO. RAD.

MOM!!!! MOM!!!! ARE YOU SEEING THIS? I know you're reading the newspaper and shit but can't you just witness this magical moment for me?! LOOK. I AM EATING. A BANANA.

I'm having breakfast again. That is some wicked shit right there. This shit truly is bananas, Gwen Stefani. Look, I'll even spell it for you: B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Gah. I am eating.

Sure, so I have zero appetite and am therefore taking bites so pathetically tiny it will take me twenty five minutes to eat this, I'm still doing it, therefore I must be amazing. It can be the only explanation. I. Am. Awesome.

There is NOTHING I can't do, you hear me. NOTHING. Maybe I'll even try and have...A SANDWICH later!!

Yes, yes, heartbreak, I hear you gasp in shock at such a bold idea. But I HAVE TO LIVE heartbreak, and if 'living' right now consists of TRYING TO EAT AND MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT IN COMEDY AND CAPS LOCK than that is the way it shall be!!"

Genesis when chasing cars.

2010-04-24T17:46:00.005+02:00

I chased his car down the street one night, because I thought I'd left my keys on the passenger's seat. I ran after him, screaming his name, waving for him to look back. But he never even looked in his rear mirror and he didn't hear me over the engine.

Without looking back, he drove off.

I stopped running when he turned around the corner. And as I did, my keys fell out of the pocket of my hoodie on the street tiles.

And I just stood there.

In the dark, mouth gaping at the shiny metallic keys on the floor. I wanted to laugh, and I wanted to call him, but I couldn't laugh and I couldn't speak. A profound and scary knowledge started to unsettle me.

The hint of the Universe was unmistakeable.

Stupid girl, it seemed to mock me. Here you are, running down the street, flailing your arms, screaming at the top of your lungs, chasing him for something he doesn't even have, and the man doesn't so much as look at you. He doesn't see you. He doesn't see you.

I tried to shake it off as I walked home, compulsively fingering my keys in my pocket, and I put the event away as something insignificant. But as much as I wanted it to be and pretended it to be, I knew it wasn't.

I never told him that this happened; the next time I saw him, he broke up with me.

You're one of my kind.

2010-03-14T21:28:00.004+01:00

It can take years before we spot someone like us. But eventually we do. Because we're out there. We walk among everyone else.

We leave an impression; we are remembered. We don't expect people to look at us, but from our face and strut can be construed that we're okay with it. We have nothing to hide. We meet gazes with either acceptance or dare.

We cloud ourselves in sunny days and thunderstorms of mystery. We can be infinitely small and larger than life. We change moods and colors, we love and hate passionately and there is no in between for us.

Our boyfriends are lucky bastards, yet should be pitied. It's not easy to be with our kind. The inexplicable, the hurricanes that strike unforeseen. We're strangely vulnerable yet so defiant. We challenge retreat, while we hope that you draw closer.

We will never be domestic perfection. We're the type that cook dinner and let our men lick it off us, throw the plates at the wall in fury or declaring an impromptu food fight after prayers. We forget to clean because we're out to save the world, or wreck it. We buy ridiculously expensive exotic fruits to make smoothies in December, we make you take unexpected days off because we want to build forts in the living room, we steal your underwear in the dressing room in The Gap.

We're the girls that open up our chests in the dark and let all the technicolored creatures of the night creep out of our hearts; they're vicious but because they come from us, they're as beautiful as they are ugly.

We're dark and terrible, but we're soft and have hearts so tender they bruise at the diminishable details. We see beyond the ordinary, because that we don't want to be. and we kiss our own furies and faeries goodnight before we go to bed. We design the life we deem worth living and we choose destinies and destinations.

I recognize you. And I know you recognize me. This is for you.

Let them stare. Let them wonder. And live extraordinary, beyond all expectations.